(6/3) this page seriously needs some photos! i keep writing more and more and the wall of text grows longer and it all feels so much tougher for visitors to read plain text, and not to mention it's all emotionally and culturally out of context. Apologies to the reader, i never thought i would be so backed up on drafts!
(6/4)> i have temporarly added some random images as placeholders to make this page more interesting, i'll be moving them to different parts of the website soon, and adding more relevant images slowly over time
2/26/24 part of the diaectical worldview is that over time increasingly correct information is revealed and better rationality develops, and that the idea that a thruthful worldview can be exhausted is just incorrect, wheras a spenglerian worldview is guided almost soley by the entropy of the collective human experience and any idea or emotion no matter what it is or how much mertit it has will be exhausted and a new geist will take its place, and the spectrum of emotions which defined the way the past was experienced will no longer exist, not even to be remembered
or rather;
"kids always believe in stupid shit like for example that love is real just because they feel it -but then they get old and exhausted and disillusioned with everything, and obviously you can only get more correct over time as you experience more"
but they're two different people, the child and the adult, they live in different worlds, this fundemental difference of the human experience is why spengler cannot and does not actually pass judement on definitive right or wrong but only point out there is the in-group and the out-group who would be at odds and what action would maintain the in-group, which for him is western civilization.
is the ideal person a child or adult? -a non question, people become every different thing over the course of their life, you would be comparing two different things that are supposed to be different- to match their respective worldviews. You don't pass the judement that youth is good so people should at every age act immature, or that old age is good so children should live quiet, stoic, exhausted, and maturely disillusioned, there is only good and bad for the individual and their geist, the only good is to be fulfilling of the geist which you are part of, and that is determined not by free will but by the entropic progression of the outside world
and like immature young kids, immature and young civilizations believe in misguided ideas like definitive purpouse and meaning, or that they have named the world as something superlitive and when they passed this word to their progenitors it came to mean "God" where will and entropy and nature and the evolved balances of the human nervous system were all named the god over our ability to experience. In thesee intentful universal trends humanity ascribed a concsciousness because it was akin to to what it had created; the inanimate world created people in its own image, and in people had emerged intention, so to say; "the kingdom of god is within man". In this world nobody has a god, in this world you name these manners of natural law sperately, but they did not live in this world.
Religion only being a small example of something which has outlived it's ability to be understood as true, because with our historical over-contextualization as it being simply magic, their original truth is now too complex to believe in.
1/20/25 I still feel like my skin is inherently unclean because of my genetics. It makes me even more afraid of the intimacy and contact which I want. I’m just tired of feeling like a dirty degenerate, you don’t get to turn off that feeling even when you just want to be normal
When you trick people into thinking you’re cute you realize now you live at risk of people getting close enough to know how bad you really are
1/16/24 the second oldest surviving work of art is the domesticated breeds of animals and plants across the world. the first is people themselves
1/9/24
ahh i get it now so shopenhauer is like, the way like life is, and he describes the way the individual is (the individual "representing" an expression of "the will" which is a fundemental operative rule of all of existence) which is somethign nietzsche expands upon when describing historical motives behind our conception of morality, and spengler is like the same thing as schoppenhauer but instead of just being about the individual you imagine if entire civilizations acted like schoppenhauer describes an individual- or a biological organism, with its impenitrable sense of self-expression which is entropic and so inevitably uses up all the possiblities to exert/express itself and so the mode of thinking eventually dissapears and is supersceeded with a new cultural experiential way of seeing the world (hegel says we have to understand all the different ways of thinking at once to underwstand how they culminate as an evolution of the same thing, and he imagines that history inherantly progresses and advances), and so thats how history works, which today has culminated at the most extreme form which we call postmodernism like the french philosophers..... baudriallrd and those guys like to talk about, which is a world of basically pure simulacrum rather than reality, and if you go in the opposite direction of modernism to like pre-ancient history you have "ground concepts" heidegger talks about, which is actually like the same *ideas* as postmodernism but focusing on the opposite of it
mythos is the naturalization of philosophy in culture, liberalism tries to see itself as the natural, default state of politics but it remains unconvincing because it has not been portrayed as the the nature of being, except to the extent that it can make itself synonymous with capitalist realism. Because capitalist realism is our modern and globally hegemonic iteration of mythologizing culture into being viewed as funmenental to reality and a natural existence, to the extent of being considered essentially the nature *of* existence.
"The myth works with raw materials, reduced to pure signifying functions so that the myth becomes a sum of signs. In fact the myth prefers to work with poor and incomplete images. The myth will naturalize the concept and will transform history into nature." - art historian jean willete on Roland Barthes' Mythologies
1/8/24 unironically best way I can describe Hegel so far is that we cannot think of “gay son or thot daughter” as a dialectic where one negates the other, gay son and thot daughter are different and perhaps opposites but they are also the same person, representing an idea evolving over time. You have to accept Schopenhauer because we accept Nietzsche- because shopenhauer becomes Nietzsche; we have to accept gay son because she becomes thot daughter
12/21 dont study philosophy unless you have an outlet for it
or maybe, dont study philosophy until you have an outlet for it
#it will just acumulate in your brain and go bad unless you have a recipe which calls for it
and you dont need to study philosophy at all if your instincts and taste are good enough. It's only thanks to being cultured that it comes intuitively as part of judegment, and a lot of people are not cultured. generally whenever possible in life instinct is superior to intellect, it is completely burdenless, instant and clear, you may have to train your instincts manually and thats where the studying comes in, but the outlet of philosophy, the culture you create with it, the art you make or expressions of relationships or organized action or archetecture or other self expressions of philosophy add together to create a world where philosophy becomes intuitive and no longer needs to be studied anymore because it becomes intuitive to a culture. I see the goal of culture as being to enshrine philosophical values in order to aleviate the burden of actually having to study or think about philosophy. We have to study philosophy because either we are creating culture or because we are at risk of losing culture, culture which was functional in helping evaluate the world for us. When culture becomes dysfuntional we are left to ask every question alone and it is more than we can answer, that is why we need to seek out the creation of new mythos.
12/12/23 so heidegger's "ground concepts" and the layers of presupposition that remove us from it and what he calls "original" is basically postmodernism but without the modernism? like the smae thing but just going back to like the very beginning of all culture, as i understand it.
12/9/23 do you ever feel like you experienced something beautiful at the wrong time, like a song for example, and now that time is what you'll remember from re-experiencing it, and you wish that you heard the song back when you were young so you could forget all the details of that background noise of life and experience justs the emotions clearly? with the nostalgia it deserves?
11/19 see, on the one hand every advancement humanity ever made and the very human essence is to obsessivly love something that doesnt yet exist, and to love it into existence, and on the other hand being in love with something nonexistant will drive me insane
11/12 i get it now. you build your life to build yourself for love. its all about self improving and becoming a more interesting and fun and stronger person every day and the product of everything you put into your life is the love of people living in it. but where to start.. so many people to be...
#you cant be a good person without participating in life.. being a better person every day is about always living more of life
#it makes you better and it makes the people around you happy and in the end that's why you are loved
you have to love life in order to be loved -maybe the real meaning of nietzsche was the friends we made along the way ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
11/6 I do not agree with my own need to think the majority of my own thoughts, please do not think i am nor wish to be viewed as the kind of person i appear to be from the thoughts which i write down anonymously in order to help me stop thinking about them!! This is mostly a record of the things i dont want to say! I am not my thoughts- I am my intentions! i have a very different image for myself that i want to create, and my intentions are to no longer have thoughts about these topics!
10/27 with chatrooms and other webpages i think maybe i will meet a weird person maybe i will meet someone cool, but attempting to look at any algorithmic social media the only thing i can think is "you are incapable of empathy, you are incapable of social contract. you are incapable of socializing outside of algorithms. you are incapable of free will and of complex comunication. you have no sense of culture at all and you create no art. you lack basic intution for tool use. you do not experience nature. you have never even started a fire. you are not human, you lack any possible measure of humanity. you are indistinguishable from neurons in a petri dish hooked up to a computer"
so funny that if youre ugly you literally can't afford to act immature even as a child but if you're even slightly pretty you can ruin your own life for years to a point where it makes everyone around you irritated while also farming sympathy for it and then on a whim decide to be a halfway good person as if it's an idea nobody had before and say that the way you used to act is a phase everyone went through, and you'll never even have to discover the consequences of how bad your own actions were
10/22 if your whole personality is one endless bit you do where you pretend to be annoying or a morally bad person and you never stop doing the joke then thats actually what you are and you have a personality disorder. having a personality disorder does not make you interesting or more likeable or funnier, the idea that your personality disorder attracts people to you is the reason for your maladaption. The only people who say they like you acting this way are either taking advantage of you or have personality disorders themselves and are trying to convince themselves its okay by projecting. These people will harm you psychologically. The only way to get people to actually like you is to be nicer to others, live healthly, and dont cause yourself harm because you think it will get attention.
(10/27 addition) "no you dont understand, being a bad person is actually a medical condition I have, I'm basically the victim when you think about it, I need even more sympathy"
i agree with nietzsche almost completely but i have two criticizms which involve no rhetoric at all, it's just that nietzsche seems to forget about the concept of friendship and he forgets about the concept of childhood innocence. Two of the biggest things most people value and it feels like they're so absent from his life that its easy to forget about them even existing as just a reader. He vaugely adresses "the child" and the "sacred yes", but it's far from holding dearly a real child with inherant value in itself, and rather is preoccupied with its role in leading to other things. Theres no sense of how massively encompassing of a goal rasing happy children is, no reminder at all. Like the idea of having friends it becomes forgettable.
10/21 a small note; if you notice any similarities between my writing and schoppenhaur or nietzsche, it is very likely i did take inspiration, even if very indirectly. After a few yers of steadily learning about them my way of thinking changed a lot. But almost all other writing, in particular the similarities to baudrillard, ernst junger, and the psychoanalysts, is completely coincidental observation of the same truths on my part, i was only passingly familiar with them until after doing almost all of my writing. I find the similarities to be very confirming of the ideas. For the most part, from my understanding, i still think i have more to say and different views.
I’m used to this expectation of an abstract idea of literature as a romanticist and mythological pillar of society that’s so cultured and then I pick up a book and it reads about the same as a social media post by comparison except it’s just really long. And I guess learning continental philosophy gave me too high of expectations that if I wanted to read a different kind of book it would also read like it was some special artisanal craft rather than read like long-form journalism. I imagine a lot of the problem is that I’m like reading in English, but still.
I want to feel like I’m in a museum or cathedral or forest but I feel like I’m going to see a TED talk at best.
#I expect at least to feel like I’m sitting at a sidewalk cafe with my coffee and shit
#Not some overpriced Los Angeles style coffee shop I mean like real euro cafe. The thoughtful vibe
#I guess this is why ‘dark academia ‘ aesthetic exists. It’s a shallow cringe description but it’s sort of like what I’m thinking of
#tiktokkers have no right to feel entitled to good literature they will not read
10/18 i fucking hate philosophy
10/17 The true tragedy of the apocalyse I feel will be that I cannot wear my makeup, that I cannot eat my cake, cannot listen to my music -yes, honestly. Those things we would seem to be oversensitive in losing may be the true nature of all tragedies. All people die eventually, it is what a distinctly tragic death denies that makes it tragic and not the death itself. The aesthetic matter is the moral matter, to die in a way that is not beauftiful or live in a way that is not beautiful, the tragedy is that we are kept from simple lightness of life in things that seem to be only aesthetic in quality. What is good, morally, if not what is beautiful to live?
this is the corinthian order perched above the doric foundation, the heirarchy of needs, when we adress the lowly needs of utility, yes there are physical agonies, but we cannot see that the nature of tragedy is not the struggle below but the fall of the higher orders which rested upon them, what we wanted in the first place was perched high above.
Tragedy is not the death but the indignity and ugliness of the path to it, might our undignified and ugly world just as well be tragic as the pillaging of ancient cities of the past?
10/ 16
why is everything deeply unsatasfying lol. well its probably because i havent actually experienced anything. it feels empty because it is lol
10/15 while the rest of europe was contributing to things like art and philosphy and cuisine and archetecture, the british upper class realised the only thing they ever contributed was their pursuit of industry for it's own sake, so they began to invent rigid and arbitary etiquettes and protocols as class indicators so they could follow through the motions of pretending they had a culture, like having a special spoon for each part of a dinner, and having a special way to hold each spoon, and when this wasn't enough they simply stole arts and culture from elsewhere. The british are fundementally uncultured and their aristocracy are essentially peasants ruling over other peaseants by some historical fluke, lacking the socialized mental capacity for anything actually "noble". Analytic philosophy is a failiure and a symptom of a society whose people are damaged by the invention of industrialization
the only people still stupid enough to fall for this are americans and other brits
neither of whom are smart enough to care
(10/17 addition) the fact only americans and brits fall for this is likely no coincidence as those are the main two people who would have been the original target of the upper class' need to appear more civilized. of course then it is no wonder why the americans turned out so badly, they took what was wrong with britian and increased it's scale by industrial orders of magnitude and didnt even realize that the british had invented their etiquette as a means of hiding how horrible it is to be uncultured, and from there america created california. California, through cultural/technological influence, like america's economic influence nd britain's colonial influence which came before, led all of the world into it's ever-shallower collective psyche. And so you have the geneology of modern shallowness.
10/13 when the joke stops being funny and the same happens with all the other millions of other posts a day, won't we actually be angry by how exponential amounts of digital and mental garbage are filling up all data sets and search results and culture and it's impossible to dilute our way out of it or be led endlessly to new social media platforms promising to be different every few years and realize how many years of life were spent on creating and consuming all of it
10/10 nearly every object I look at is fighting me to neutralize my desire for a higher world
10/12 addition) in a domesticated world incapable of holding serious ideas, the design of items will reflect and enforce your inability to become or to see or express things a certain way.
could any important historical figure or profound writer have been raised in a world and in a house surrounded by things so medicore and stupid looking that they neutralize a pursuit of meaning? It's not only an issue of demotivation of authorship or leadership but also, on the other end, an apathy of readership or of organizing to follow anything.
10/8 i often feel i have a moral obligation not to be loved, especially by the rare few innocent and sweet people I meet.
the life that can do nothing but suffer it’s own self so too can never be loved by the world beyond itself
this is the fundemental basis of true morality, that a bad person is one who suffers not by circumstance but by nature. It is not human nature to be bad or good, it is human nature to be a victim, but those who can only ever be a victm to themselves are ontologically immoral. Our obligation to the future is to make a world of people who love life.
the people that can do nothing but suffer it’s their own collective self so too can never be loved by the world beyond themselves, they will be attacked from without because where they appears across the borders their self-destruction overflows onto others. Though it is a vice to be uncaring, victimhood is contagious if it runs too deep.
10/7 the more similar two ideas are, the more exponentially impossible their mutual coexistence is, they will be attracted to the other and collide, leaving a single entity. If you wrote a song that was only a few notes off of a song that has already been written, then you cannot share your song, it will gravitate twoards the original and dissapear. The exception is that the new may replace the old through iconoclasim, songs that were passed through oral tradition for generations were always losing their old version the momment they were changed by those who knew them, in this situation the song only exists within the moment it is played, the old song instantly and seamlessly dissapears into the new song, the iconoclasim fundemental to a lineage of oral tradition inherhant in the very act itself prevents the cultural entropy, this is part of why written language is such a sensitive and arcane practice. A movie may claim a territory of an original idea while barely living up to it's potential, and still it will ward away any new culture from coming close, the ideal form of a work of art cannot ever exist because the only position left is to dissapear into the shared similarities of a previous cultural artifact. The realm of culture is severly limited in real estate. when the imperfect is not lost then culture is only ever ruining itself to individuate. The internet has done nothing but consume ideas
when it comes to this specific moment in history, sort of the ultimate question for me is if you should even aspire to be smarter or especially if you have a moral obligation not to raise your kids to be smarter in a culture where they need to be kind of stupid to fit in, or i guess just smarter in the specific ways that other people arent, it's only beneficial to be smart in ways people understand, learn math and learn science, just train to do your job, if you're smart in a different way you'll just be pretentious. if social life and experiential life is more important than some sense of truth you cant really use to make yourself happy
10/6/23 normies are always doing weird shit in order to convince themselves that they're not normies
gen z is not going to save the world and it's not even going to come close, it's going to satarize and parody the concept of meaning out of existence, leaving itself with only consumerism -even attempts do do something serious will be saterized and parodied consumerism suppocated under layers of irony- until some event or moment where material historical conditions become so horrific it would almost manually, physically, reset culture. No cultural action alone will fix this from within, or intentionally create a tangable physical change. How long it will take is impossible to know exactly but (like so often in history) the world does seem only a short time away from collapse.
I predict that In the near future, psychosis will be such a common part of life that institutions will be completely overhauling their definitions of mental illness within the next two decades to avoid having to diagnose everyone
10/2/2023 in the future, everyone will be schizophrenic.
the concerning implication never realized by the original theory of postmodernism is that -more than just the ideas or things in culture beoming simulacra, the implication that nothing in our world is real anymore but a hyperreal mockery- the inevitable consequence is that people themselves become a simulacra of an idea of humanity, rather than being human.
9/29 social media lures insecure teenagers away from potential friends with easy alternative to socializing and leaves them more alone than they normally would have been as they get older 😂
9/21 something no writer is going to analyze and put work into expressing is that language, or particularly written language, is psychologically harmful, even though it's very useful. No wonder all writers go insane, but they cant give up what they're good at. There's enough french pilosophers who've written about induced schizophrenia in culture and languages, enough to make you ask "what the hell is happening in france" but also enough to prove their point, the medium is the message, and the medium is people who speak french and are insane.
(december addition) written language is clearly a powerful arcane practice which is being misused nonstop now that everyone is literate in the modern world and it's easy to take it for granted
9/18 cant believe i didnt know more about postmodern theory sooner. i mean i thought i did and youd think so from my name. but it overlaps with my writing in ways i didnt realize it would
ideas make more sense when fewer people understand them. people are nostalgic for what was niche and avant about the past, but these things have lost meaning in becoming broader culture. it was in the lost cultural moment where they belonged that they were understood by few, even as they were influential. it's when only the friend groups talked about something rather than the whole internet that it was best understood. when you're in a dialouge of the comunity the idea makes less sense than when it was first a revelation you had on your own. secrets keep knowledge in culture, in the mystery is the personality
let me rewrite this...
life is better when everything is a well kept secret even as lots of people still know about it.
things make more sense the fewer people understand them
the show you like made more sense before everyone talked about it. it made more sense when it was hard for you to explain in a one-on-one conversation.
the things from the past that make the most sense are the things that have remained obscure and least influenced by the present
we need to normalize things people cant understand
normalize living in a world people dont understand. normalize being immersed in a world with things other than understanding
theres a lack of the dreamlike quality in culture, it might seem like the trend twoards hyperreality would mean increase in the presence of the surreal, but no!
anything in the world that still doesnt make sense is just being subsumed into irony and restrained to being a joke. you need to culturally revive earnestness for things to feel fresh and mysterious and interesting again
this show made more sense when people didnt talk about it as much. it made sense when it was a widely-kept secret
9/20 Nostalgia, foreign culture, people you can’t fully understand. Sometimes you can only see something from the outside.
#When everything’s mysterious that’s what life is really like.
9/21 nummbed my normalcy we dont see what life is really like until we see it in a foreign country, where we cant read the signs we start to see the forest for the trees, we become nummbed with routine until it becomes a memory and then as it's not right in front of us to experience, we see in a way what it was really like. nostaliga is an honest way of seeing, if you do it right it's more real than the present. I think we can learn to see our present the way we see nostalgia and foreign culture through the right art, but it takes effort to do it right, most people exoticize things and romantacize in the wrong ways and dont do it right.
9/17 In haute couture, as in the Cambrian explosion
We see entropy in evolution. A shopehauerian drive to division of the will. a wild drive into the niches that has lost control. Internet users are a lot like these strange outfits and creatures, only with their flavors and expressions of mental disorders instead. In benefiting from rapid evolution, a creature (or culture) becomes vulnerable to the shortening of its one genome, less and less is it encoded within itself not to mutate. An extinction awaits the experimental animals and leviathans of our culture who had so distorted from the forms of reason in a time of uncertain opportunity. But left behind may be gems
With parents you see too, the desire for raising a child is to extend the self, but parents want their child to be an individual. To extend the self, but beyond the self, requires division. Every border implies conflict (both the international and that of the ego barrier). Parents want their child to somehow develop individuality- in conflict with their own desire for the child to be like themselves.
In the biblical story of genesis, the entire creation of humanity, we see this same idea. God has a sense of virtue for which his children are meant to follow, a likeness to himself opposed to ontological evil (to be “un-godly”) but god creates the fruit of knowledge, he creates evil so there can be free will. The children of god are meant to disobey him, and this is how he can love them, they are more than dolls he plays with and controls every action of. In essence the entirety of the Biblical worldview is a question of how we should respond to god’s desire for free will to love. And the biblical worldview as mythos reflects very accurately the reality of how actual parents view their children and the concept of purpose in life -certainly by no coincidence, either we were created in god’s image or his image was created from us, the truth remains the same. The adolescence is the schopenhauerian severing of the umbilical cord, the will of individual life breaks out! A sovereign life escapes from the primordial soup of the ocean!
Doing what is uncomfortable and unreasonable and stupid and tasteless, all just to be free, to be different, alive, to be a real human. The things that are wrong with pubescence are necessary. You might even theorize that sometimes teenagers will intentionally but subconsciously have bad taste just to become independent. Taking the path where they know their parents will not follow. For many cultures a literal path which the parents cannot follow has been a rite of reaching manhood, where a boy must survive in the wild on his own for some period of time.
In many doctrines of east Asian religion (I’m mainly referring to Buddhism but I know at least the Sikhs and maybe even Hindus have something similar) there is an idea not necessarily similar in delivery but somehow containing the same mythologized truth of existence. That there is only one thing in the universe, the god or demiurge or samsara, the single thing develops into these patterns and from this thing are all the emerging complexities from where individuality separates. And as the universe branches into all these things it emerges to observe itself and its own nature and experience itself, but divided into its many parts in the form of sentient life. Whatever we look at is not truly seperate from ourselves, everything is the same self, or rather "god" IS everything, or even yet still if you’re a Sikh it’s both god and the self at the same time. And this is how reincarnation works, not exactly a soul being pulled out of the body, but whatever it is that makes a person, it is returned or reappears again and again through the carnal form (re - in - carnation). The doctrine of theses religions is generally asceticism and detachment from the cycle of suffering and desire, but if you wished to appreciate the universe you would embrace your individuality within it, even as it is a source of conflict.
I've been thinking about the way that the American government successfully deorganized everyone since the 60’s. No real political parties, not political parties in government or grassroots political parties, no protest groups, no militias, no clubs, no societies, no work unions, no art movement organizations or collectives, no communes, not even cults. There's literally only business organizations which are still completely weak and stupid and pointless, things like “influencer houses” which are just completely stupid and tiny and un-impactful ways to get money for producing garbage for a few months before disbanding.
Society is in need of labor unions, citizen organized political parties, underground movements, militias, even mafias and cults, it needs secret societies, art collectives, town consciousness of any kind, clubs not approved by colleges but made by students, syndicates, anything at all! Anything at all, that people might do something with life that involves another person, something that isn’t faked and made for them! Something that won’t disappear the moment touch is lost with the higher authority which owns and monopolizes all human interactions in order to subvert and subsume and substitute them and in the end domesticate.
If people cannot organize themselves within a society, the the society will not survive a struggle at the top, it will have a trophic cascade. Stripped from their decedent isolation when the times of disaster hit, Americans will be schizophrenic fearful animals only ready to kill and mistrust eachother where there is no government.
There is an American idea that without the highest government there is no civilization, on the streets it is human nature that masses are ready to kill you and if the government was not there to contain it you should be ready to kill everyone, it is this fear that makes itself into a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe one day the schizophrenic American will be right. This principle applies to every level and instance where people have lost touch with the idea of forming something.
In the mind of the individual, the world is a state of anarchy.
Different philosophy for different stages of life. A 7 year old should not have the philosophy of a 60 year old. We have different philosophies which are meant for their time. Just as we have different personalities.
Different emotions are meant for night and day different emotions are meant for different seasons different emotions are meant for different places. we arent supposed to completely agree, not even with ourselves
In the same way, different people should have different philosophies, different philosophies are made for us, even as there are key truths. Just like how people should have different personalities, we should not and do not ask what the “correct personality” is, we ask what is best for ourselves and there are essential things we wish were educated into peoples personalities, but ultimately we want people to be different from us, so too are there different philosophies for people to have. And we will live in kinds of conflict, but ecosystem needs its different niches. We have roles to accept, history to be a part of, even if it is correct for one person to have a philosophy still we may have to understand that we must live differently and face the outside.
The intellect is straight up only ennobled by its relationship to the blood and its ability to transform it, in its acts of exerting and obtaining nobility of blood.
The intellect obtains the carnal for the sake of blood. The Dionysian. The intellect is ennobling to the blood when it feeds one well, when the intellect exercises one and the intellect rewards itself or pursues in the world around it health and vitality and beauty, this is ennobling to the blood. To obtain -in another form of blood- human relationships, the social as the attainment of blood, and in which nobility of it as opposed to the solitude which is not noble and so too the lonely intellect is not noble. To enoble the blood is the the intellect that cures ailment or in some people is to pursue nobility of blood in lineages, this is what ennobled the intellect. The nobility of exertion, of victory tangible in the blood, the ennobled intellect is that which leads the blood to victory, to its self-exertion. The nobility of pursuing beauty, that is the beauty in the flesh. The intellect that does not enoble the blood, that harms the blood, that denies the blood, is an intellect not ennobled.
9/16
in America the human connection is destroyed by sublimation of any desire or identification into a broad appeal replacement which can within itself stop values from mattering. The ideas are not completely destroyed on their own, they are outcompeted by a domesticated competition which is favored to exist only by a power from the outside, not favored for a personal fidelity to whatever cause it concerns. There are no longer work unions because companies favor people looking to create a very tame and impersonal union for the benefit of the employer’s stability, which workers would have no choice but to refuse. people no longer create or have the ability to even create effective cults because cults are centralized into singular cults domesticated by higher authority. Political parties and militias no longer form on the campus or in the streets because the national level of political parties managed to replace populist organizations by promising their high level power was an alternative option which promised it’s vote was the same societal function as personal organization. no more art collectives or clubs or secret societies or anything else of that kind exists either. The political party is replaced by the massive and impersonal party politician who doesnt believe in the party at all, effectively political party ceases to exist. The art movement is replaced by a higher organizational power which doesn’t really care about art and so art ceases to exist. The work union is replaced by union leaders who don’t believe in bargaining wages on the market so the unions no longer exist. No form of anything exists anymore.
the worst flaw of character is the inability to take anything seriously. Of course this type of person is often the kind to make an exception for selfish complaining when something affects them. I would say it’s like having the maturity of a middle schooler but that feels even rude to middle schoolers who are in a process of growing, it’s Barely human.
in post human society we have a moral obligation to misuse technology, to challenge our environment back and to push it to it’s breaking point.
9/10 imagine the historical implications of a society that benefits short-term from having as thin of walls as possible to make wireless technology easier. We don’t even want strong buildings anymore. a little bit of environmental stress and it’s over
also everything else in the world is following the same course because of a n urge to accommodate technology, similar principle applies. Everything is now just at the brink of being engineered out of existence. Wind blows a little too hard one day and nothings left.
as the world becomes more life California, California becomes more like hell.
It is ironically because of the institutions of California that the outer world is replacing it, thanks to the dematerialization of production and consumption, anywhere can be the next Silicon Valley, the tech revolution has started to make the tech revolutionaries irrelevant. Does it matter where you are? -it’s already on its way to being the next California.
It is thanks to the total control that was held in changing society’s relationship to technology by a few people that in the future they and nobody else will ever have the chance to change our relationship to technology because it is now a competition to reinforce the technological status quo among everyone. In other words, with no need for any form of central power in the tech movement there is nobody who can be challenged if the movement is wrong, nobody is leading anyone else, and this lack of central authority in the course of revolution of industries is made possible due to the very industry’s original control!
It is even more ironic that it is perhaps the motivation to not be part of California that is making all places become the next California.
ever since it’s very beginning, California has not been a real place. From the gold towns built in a day with two-story facades that were abandoned in a year because the golden streets were a myth, to the golden age of Hollywood and a cultural blur between movie set and real life, to the birth of of silicon valley, where the streets were once again paved with gold and nothing need be real.
California is scarce and difficult to experience outside of its commercial habitats. It is this environment which cultivates the conspiracy of immateriality, in opposition to the relatively forgiving and temperate climates of much of the whole rest of the world during most of the year as compared to the local population centers of said area. People historically lived in a place where it was possible to experience nature because there was simply no choice not to, if you couldnt "experience nature" in a place then that was because it was literally uninhabitable, but what is called California has never known a time before the Industrial Revolution, not only that, it was ONLY because of the Industrial Revolution that California came to be, and so for the first time in history no harmony with nature was required. It is far from the solid stone institutions which created it from across the country by telegram wire. And on this scarce land nothing of brick could be built without fear of earthquakes, almost nothing was allowed to remain of the brief period where it was attempted to build California in stone.
9/9 Through illiteracy, the lower class is delineated from the “human class” of society. In the post-human age, now that the lower class must be literate to fulfill the bureaucratic demands of post-industrial society, true literacy is reduced to impossibility by society which influences its language for profit motive alone.
Even if it were not for the decline in literacy just from the perspective of the legal census, even in a society that is literate by technical definition, where all classes can read, reading comprehension is destroyed uniformly, as language can no longer distinguish the human class, the human class must distinguish itself in other ways, and no longer cares about language as appendage of culture and culture of the human mind.
practical comprehension becomes impossible through cultural entropy
the human class has done away with the mode of humanization , but society has not done away with separate castes
The society cannot preform complex psychological control without literacy. To advance as a post industrial society into immateriality, the society needs to have immaterial modes of control.
Sure, anyone can read now… but we promise the books won’t mean anything anymore.
9/8 while i do think it's a moral obligation to be able to take things seriously and that an inability to take things seriously makes someone a bad person i really have to struggle to remember that being relaxed and sweet and innocent is part of being happy and also sort of my end goal for everything is to have that kind of personality despite writing serious philosophy
9/6 weltschmerz
9/5 america has always been uncultured but at least in certain small golden eras it was uncultured in a young and cool way like a blissed-out partying college student instead of uncultured like in a middle aged nintendo fan way
9/4 "i want to change as a person to be more like you, but if you were the only internesting thing in my life -after i got rid of the things i didnt like about myself- then you wouldn't have a reason to talk to me. so i have to have problems nobody can understand or solve, forever"
9/2 The mythos and stories and imagination of people losing everything and doing something about it outnumbers the reality of people doing something on a scale of millions to one. History shows that in our decedant and post-human society people overwhelmingly do nothing at all about how they feel. History shows that reality is overwhelmingly a story of cowardice and failure.
there are so many causes begging to be fought for which seem to require only one dedicated person. history shows that we are cowards not just by vast majority but almost exclusively, we often cannot name a single person who alone has died for a cause out of their own will. this is how deep decedance runs. within hundreds of millions of the philosophically motivated, those with everything else in life taken from them, whose choice is between dying for something or living a completely empty life, people overwhelmingly choose an empty life. People are crushed and become unhuman. in the industrial environment there is no amount of pain which makes us abandon decedance out of our own strength of will. People will lead and be led to causes, people will find kinship and organization in action, or be forced to do something, or force others to act in their stead, but who is so strong of will that they will act only on their own belief? The overwhelming story of post industrial society is of fading away as we absorb the emotions of what might be done. Even in our most powerful emotions we are post-human. Only a hundred miles from the industrial society are people still capable of taking action when they are pushed to it. Only alone in the mountains and rice fields does there remain humanity. Here in the machine you will never do anything, not one in ten million will, i am sure of it. The mythos and stories and imagination of people losing everything and doing something about it outnumbers the reality of people doing something on a scale of millions to one. The myth waits to be realized.
(10/2 addition) true history has never been tried, true humanity has never been tried, true life has never been tried
8/28 accepting that all existence is suffering and all individuality is conflict is easy but meeting someone who's happy and fun to be around is soul-crushing. then life isnt completely suffering, it's just all suffering for you, for some reason
#either it's because of something in my control that ive failed to do all this time
#or something out of my control and i just have to be hopeless like this forever
#the existential fear and painful self consciousness of wanting to become more like a rare few unbothered, bright and sunny people is the one thing that keeps me goingbr>
#but only by making me feel worse than i've ever felt before
8/27 history will vindcate the philosphical battles of the past century with a sense of nuance many people in our current world would consider painfully forgiving and uncritical in the face of things that we as a society think should be unquestioningly discarded. but in many ways the future will prove to be more accurate in the same way our current historians can clearly, unobstructedly and without stigma understand and discuss ancient societies, their conflicts and philosophies and historical figures, without a fear of controversy for acclaiming the culture or ideas or achievements of a society that was also responsible for great harm
it's the biggest political concern i have and i think anyone would have the same concern but sometimes i wonder if dehumanization is actually an unavoidable consequence of the concept of humanity, to the extent of being culturally necessitated
#sad to think about
#i dont like the idea of people being dehumanized but i remember how badly people on the internet get messed up
#and i makes me think that maybe dehumanization is not a process of perception but that
#dehumanization is the actual loss of humanity and not just failing to be externally *perceived* as human
#or that the two are inseperable
#that the quality of humanity actually requires outside perception of yourself as human
#all in a way that implies humanity- like all other qualities- is only a thing you have if you are capable of losing it
#and so society has to accept the unavoidableness of dehumanization
#that the only correct way of seeing things is that it's not a matter of *perception* but of *recognition* when there is a loss of humanity
everything in the world, every most beautiful and true thing and most inevitable truth of existence is within one single unutterable impossible word. it feels like the impossibility of staring at the sun, it's the one thing that illuminates everything else but it alone blinds you
#this is everything. it's in my grasp. but i cant tell anyone not even the people i trust the absolute most
#this must be why it took me so long. why it's so hard to find this realization. nobody can say it
8/25 the internet now is society itself, the collapse of the internet is now indistinguishable from the collapse of society on a cultural level. that is why it is so important
8/23 the past is only made beautiful through iconoclasm. the past is not seen inaccurately because of iconoclasm, the iconoclasm is part of the past.
8/22
>classless society
>look inside
>classified documents
8/21 Making my entire personality about being serious just because people think I look ugly when I smile. maybe physiognomy is real
everything in the world is so fundementally full of conflict even in fiction. what do silly whimsical girls even do for fun if theyre avoiding it all?
#trying to think of a thing to do
#something to enjoy that isnt depressing or based on conflict or imbewed with a harsh philosophical reasoning
#everything involves some limitation on the physical body!!
#like i cant even do karaoke or dress-up or something because it concerns the limitations of the body
#if youre a girl and not pretty the only thing you can do for fun is be alone to study depressing philosophy
8/20 If the algorithm didn’t cause conflict and psychological damage then twitter would be almost empty. The site is literally not made for anything good at all
a strict word limiting single-reply at a time based website, which only allows you to add up to four images that are automatically downsized and cropped. The algorithm wants to get as much replying as possible and has little regard for actual likes. Followers and likes are public but finding archives of past posts is impossible, nothing is shown in chronological order. It is designed to only make bad things happen. designed for brainlesss and impulsive fighting, designed for any kind of impulsive vulnerability. You cannot curate an archive of anything. You cannot explain anything well. You cannot be shown anything naturally. It is not a place to journal. Not a place to talk to friends. Not a place to share art of any kind. It is only designed to maximize conflict and stress and provoke latent personality disorders to increase engagement
Snapchat was invented to allow teens to get away with things they shouldn’t do while still giving them attention for it and reinforcing it
TikTok got its start by purchasing musically, a website going viral for cyberbullying and then promoted the content to attract new users for as long as possible before rebranding
Facebook started as a place to rank unconsenting college girls based on appearance and then expanded its age demographic by becoming a news site without verification for baby boomers during the 2016 election.
how do you think twitter is designed!!!!! TECH CORPORATIONS LIKE THESE CONTROL EVERYTHING. WE ARE LIVING IN HELL
8/18 social media is like if the most addicting drug in the world was also really boring
the older generations are starting to catch up in how badly they are affected by web 2.0 disseminating into everything. it's only going to stop once everyone at once reaches the very bottom.
i wonder if there wil be any legislation passed in the next twenty years banning psychologically destructive use of algorithms. maybe companies will market off of being healthier and more consciousness-conscious, the same way they do with environmentalism. wonder if there will be some kind of equivalent to carbon credits? it seems so impossible to control what is happening that even with popular approval there's really no course of action to fix society. nobody has even really started thinking about this yet. i imagine that it will go about as well as our environmental efforts... we're going to have a big change of public opinion and some powers are going to make a deal out of wanting to fix the problems but we're kind of just going to wait around and not know what to actually do and it's all going to be sort of nothing but lip service while things stay the same, mostly because people are afraid to get rid of big parts of the economy. just like with environmental and ethical concerns, people in power are going to fear falling behind other countries if we try to solve the problem.
8/16 there truly is no way to actually convey anything. the only reality is coexperience. no more digital medium of conveyence anymore, i dont want to be dependent on a method that will never work. i want to coexperience again. i need people physically present to coexperience reality.
(8/18 add) but where are those people, if not also trapped in the same place! nobody is waiting outside to greet anyone, if you escape you are alone!
8/16 art will never fully work. we just have to experience it all together. someone...........
i would rather live in moments of loneliness and company than be lied to nonstop. a mocking replacement for connection. kept in a suspended culture of uncanny inhuman sludge. inauthentic connection to even less authentic people. I NEED TO BE HUMAN AGAIN
Nothing has any atmosphere anymore because everywhere is actually just the phone
(8/18 add) go anywhere, with or without technology, and in your mind it will only be the exact same place you are digitally. go somewhere meant to have it's own atmosphere and yet you will still be in the same cultural moment. the mobile feed has caused a psychological change where any physical location is no longer seperate from the emotion of the outside world. you can experience a uniform feed of stimulation anywhere, your spacial and temporal reasoning no longer links with emotions, how is this space different frm anywhere else in the mind, you're primed to feel the same no matter what. you can escape to nature, but it will still be clustering up you mind, you will not move between different feelings like you used to be able to, now that feelings are no longer about time or place. like tinnitus, you just hear this whining noise, you can't hear the silence anymore
8/16 specialization has made people incomplete, and slaves to a single role in society so that they may earn power.
Only the people who specialize in power itself become whole.
they who specialize in money itself, the finance expert and the economist. The politician who is meant to decide on everything in the completeness of life. The soldier, new or ancient, who is meant to pursue true power for the object of idyllic humanity. Perhaps a religious figure. These are the modern divisions and mutated offshoots of a single genus of class; the class which pursues humanity. The warrior poet, the complete person.
Like people say though, whatever it is that makes people rich, it isn’t good taste in the things they afford. And it’s also true that what makes people successful in politics isn’t having good opinions, and what makes someone a soldier isn’t good ethics.
the artist of every kind must stress and discover how fundementally important what they do is, how essential it is to the creation of the individual. The fashion designer learns how the style tells everything about a person, how the culmination of a person and their values and personality is essentially tied at some level to what they wear. but for themselves they are nothing as a person but the creator of one aspect of a person. fashion conveys no personality for them because it itself is their personality. The architect uncovers how fundemental and essential the structure is to the identity, the life experience, to conveying philosophy, essential to the identity and emotions a person feels, just the way the fashion desinger would. And all this is also true, only the architect has only become complete in archetecture and not all the other aspects of the self-realization. The athlete pursues the most essential part of the human experience, the physical form, it is fundemental to everything a person is, so does the doctor, but they are not an architect, nor a fashion desinger, they are incomplete. The farmer understands the essential nature of land to the human, but they are nothing else. The chef knows that what you eat is everything and cooking is a universal joy and the most ancient and uniting of human rituals, but the chef is nothing but complete in food. The engineer, the design of everything definetly is so important and essential to life, surely it's not just technology but something more. The author understands the most essential nature of being human, the knowledge, nobody else is complete but instead superficial without it, but then the author is so specialized in the writing of some topic that they are not complete without the fundemental humanity of the authors who specialize in any other topic, or the fundemental humanity of the painter and photographer, or the people who specialize in what *they* are writing about. to the musician we are not complete in a life without music or the right music or the pursuit of the most beautiful music. To the historian one is incomplete without their past- but then they are *only* living in the past. Maybe we are not complete without what the man who scales the mountain has. It's also true that one is incomplete in not pursuing love. How does someone fit finding love AND scaling mountains into their life? every specialist of everything must believe they are working on the most fundemental thing, because they cant afford not to, with what they have left in their humanity so overwhelmed by something so specific, they can only fit a small mixture of tiny and superficial doses of everything else in the world. They MUST believe that whatever one singular thing they are doing is ALL they need to be human, because they have no choice. Every artist and scientist suffers for their work to epitomize the one thing that is different from everyone else, so that in the end none of them have any room left to complete themselves with what is the pinnacle of work of those around them, except for those who specialize in the power itself, who can come in at the very end and scoop up everything and make use of the products of specialized pursuits for themselves, to incorporate a completeness into their being.
(9/2 addition) i heard about this one person who had become very talented in speaking different languages, he dedicated absolutely every moment of his life to learning different languages, and he was likely going to get a job as a translator for the united nations or something like that. But it made me wonder, if he had spent every moment of his life learning languages, what did he actually have to talk about? He can listen to other people but ultimately if he ever could spend time truly understanding any one person he would probably spend his time instead working on his grammar or a new language, and he himself would certainly have little to say back beyond polite small talk. Even his very good guarenteed career is him doing nothing but speaking for other people, he would be empty as a person, barely there.
What chance do the peasants have to become as complete and human as their masters? Through the immaterial, we can try to become something more through thee scraps of fiction compiled into a consumable, the late society feeds us the artificial cultural supplements for reality. For the humanity we lack. The scraps of reality of an immaterial world let the slave class relieve their lack of humanity. The modern hinterwelt letting the crushed base of society find some spiritual compensation, the immaterial consumption becomes the new opiate of the masses. We become human in the immaterial world because we know we cannot become human in the real world.
what chance do you as a slave in this world have of becoming human, surrounded by masters? through surrendering to the immaterial?
The heirarchy of needs of an individual mirror the attainability of the needs within the heirarchy of a society. In a heirarchy, only the top gets to become fully human.
Religion as a force of slavery gives people too much sense of meaning, the meaninglessness of the future has a more perfect system, slavery which not even masters will escape. Endless consumption of immaterial humanity.
The masters will enslave everyone through the physical and then the spiritual until there is none left to enslave and they will enslave themselves, and the future will never again know humanity.
everyone who criticizes you for “just being nostalgic” actually also only likes things from the past, and the people who don’t, happen to really have bad taste.
it gives the impression that maybe....... it isnt delusional to be nostalgic?
8/15 honest nostalgia still has one flaw which is that even being transported to the past, it's always in a state of becoming the thing that ruined it. it's always becoming less itself. 2010 was in the state of becoming 2011 wbecoming 2012 becoming 2013 until present day. it was all in a state of not being itself anymore
the missed aesthetics for example, are just about always the first step in creating the aesthetics that are hated. the early 2000's aesthetics of sleek technology that is missed, and the culture they came from, which reflects the feeling of the aesthetic, is in fact a step along the way to creating the universal corporate minimalsim. the old aesthetic is in fact the first step in erasing itself
(addition)...not to say bad in and of itself
8/14 it feels ignorant to assume somthing i lived through was completely unique in history but has there ever been any micro moment in history with a more rich niche of a cultural scene and world of emotions you could only experience in the moment than there was in the time just after the 2008 crash but before the 2016 campaigns.
#the late sixties were crazy i guess tbf
#but the dawn of high-tech culture had drugs too, if that's what's so special
#but also lan parties and an even bigger mainstream electronic music revolution
#every technology and software was so completely new
#it felt more like the future then than it does today. or at least the current day feels like the future in a regressive way
#drugs and culture war are familiar in history. but the weird emotions around tech and the aesthetic of the new millenium are completely unique and never really been replicated
#for a good while the frontier of tech and nerd culture and electronic stuff was moving so much faster than it could be exploited and ruined
unheard of boom in video games. personal computers in general. explosion of electronic music tech, every song was still about partying. gci in movies and shit was crazy. social media and even the concept of a smartphone was completely new. even bluetooth was sort of cutting edge. novel inventions everywhere. golden age of devices. DS was selling. early VR. so much opened up internationally, tons of weeb stuff exploded in popularity. it was all so extremely new that texting someone for too long was considered addiction. despite being surrounded by new stuff, the world was so offline that you could really "plug in" and be in an entirely different world. i was like a preteen but the whole world felt like a college party up until 2015 because of just how young everything was, it was all in the hands of the fun-loving college students with their world full of new tech
2016 for one thing, put the cultural moment (back?) into the hands of either the rancid old poltical cunts to make into new battlegrounds or into the hands of soulless media-factory corporations. party over, go back to nothingness.
(8/16 addition) that really is exactly it, the cultural moment was college-aged as the campus was the frontier of the tech society. Thats why, despite it's superficiality and consumerism and awkward social-political problems, it was so much better and so energetic and full of anticipation and simply so unique comparedwhat came after.
8/13 the past century has pretty much just killed off anyone who effectively cares about anything strongly of any political side and left behind only the people who could adapt by not caring at all. The back to back two world wars and cold war. including proxy wars and civil rights movements and the years of lead just literally killed off everyone with ideas and left behind the people who dont really care about anything. this could be an aspect to the concept of "decedance".
decedance- not only being what follows the hard times of struggles creating the good times where people can afford to care less about society, but also that those who care one way or another are killed off or lose social favor and power in the views of increasingly decadant power of society and their lineage of philosophy is killed in the collective consciousness in the aftermath of continuously pacified conflict beginning from a point of primary and extreme conflict which people want to leave behind.
wanting to be free is not being ready to be free
i think i have developed a sort of psychotic obsession with the sun in the last three or four years caused by being prescribed amphetamines
the solar cycle and excruciating withdrawl cycle synchronicity combined with just the normal level of insanity caused by taking amphetamines for years growing up has me existentially overwhelmed by it's simultaneous impermanence and infinite repetition. (that is, i think, a feeling that refers both the sun *and* myself... and really just everything. impending doom and the inevitability of everything ending but also the lack of relief in the end because of the infinite cycle)
it's a personal emotional trigger as well as sort of symbolically emotionally charged as a part of the course of history and things like that
i'm almost certain that edvard munch developed a near identical sort of psychosis as i have
it was always bad for me but it was mostly a personal sort of anxiety. until the fires got really bad and the skies turned orange nonstop
then it became more existential
8/12 don't copy the artist, dont copy the character, if you "copy" anything then the only thing you should try to copy is experiencing the most essential types of feelings that got them there. but the feelings cant be faked, and they must be your own
8/11 The core idea of masculinity is ultimately about sovereignty and basically nothing else
8/10 there is a test of personality in whether someone is okay with the idea of drinking water from a clear stream in a natural area. it's a hard personality trait to describe but there is a different kind of person who will never accept water no matter how clean if it's not given to them in a way approved by someone else. it shows that the rest of their personality also must be approved by someone else. oviously you need to be selective and cautious and perceptive to make the descision because you often dont want to drink unknown water, but the openess to the possibility and willingness to decide for themselves shows personality. it's about human sovereignty.
245119
The weapon is the ideology
the weapon is always the ideology
it appears to simply enforce the ideology, but always the weapon itself is the ideology
245119
even though i had internet access since elementary school i think i was the last person to actually make an account for any social media. it was weird. theres a sort of numbing to the loneliness on social media. you *are* less alone in some way, it's not all a lie. but for a good few years i knew the feeling of real loneliness.
not just a feeling of loneliness of feeling people are distant or one sided, but of true loneliness in the universe. anyone already in some way knows the sort of emptyness of things, but you really truely are numbbed to it by inescapably constant doses to sate a need for interaction.
when the internet is quiet and you have no impulses to distract you, there is something that goes far far deeper into the human emotions. to still be on a one-sided internet in that state is strange. it was even so much stranger in the years of being a kid when there is such a strangeness and mystery to everything. you're in this unimagineable vast wealth of things when you access the internet, and theres something uncanny about being so completely outside of all interaction. to use the internet completely unaware of it. its sort of like a walk through a city at night which is uncannily empty and so completely real. it's when you're completely outside humanity when you get the weird feeling of how it all really is. the exploration of pristeen abandond buildings, the 4am office, the waiting room for a late hospital stay, only nobody is ever there, you might compare it to a "liminal" feeling. you're immersed in this overwhelming world of humanity through technology and are just completely without humanity itself. and you see the real way it all is. the unimaginable life spent in all things in every strange detail and in this industrial scale of world that is so empty and quiet. it's like passing through highway in the night. you arent really in the middle of nowhere when youre driving. it's only without a car that any point becomes really truly nowhere, out in the dark. When you break down or sstop for gas. a billion things unasked for are moving parts in an overwhelming machine that will run itself without the will of humans. this industrial world is like a cosmic force as it builds itself in inevitability, there is only the outisde observing of it. the strange assurance of power of every emotion in being alone in everything
8/8 how did poetry go from ancient prophecy and philosphy and the lagnuage of vedic texts and persian kings and greek warriors and samurai to being pinterest quotes lin-manuel miranda theatre kid language
8/6
whenever i see those ultrarich houses with private movie theateres i think about how they have to watch the same shitty movies as us. they do not lie outside the modern society's failure to find escapism. they furnish themselves endelssly and decorate their hollow rituals of consumption, the unused popcorn machine, and luxury recliner in place of a theature chair, hoping this makes movies better, this is what they were missing, maybe wondering why it still doesnt feel the way it used to, before the art was about consuming
there is only so much in the world you can try to consume unthinkingly before you need to turn to the longer and more complicated and effort requiring things to find something more, or else choose to repeatedly consume the same things over and over and over as you repeatedly bastardise them to pretend it's something new
as everything gets shorter and shorter and more attention grabbing and as dense as possible and as simplified as possible, as social media tries to turn everything into as little as possible, while distorting everything to appear new, it will simply run out of content, as will all media.
the feed tries to cut off the "filler" from this world that was grown from spaces of long thought and musings, into something with no "filler", no long thought or musings at all, to cut it away, cut away at everything in the world until there only remains the bare minimum of what can be thought of, until we eventually find we have cut away everything and are repeating ourselves, repeating and reusing what little culture we have left so quickly that it is not long enough to re-experience in sharing to new gennerations and to reinterpret in generations, not that the experiences of the world may repeat for a new generation, but within a year, a month, within the same day, within the same hour and minute; that is how quickly a culture finds that it is restarting it's reusing of what little things it has left itself.
the feed cuts away to the bare minimum, the headline, the post, the buzzword. to cut away and entire book of words, cut it down to passsages, cut it down to quotes, until only the single word needed to describe genre is left. the "aesthetic" is left, not the true aesthetic, but the name of it, the consumable, the repeatable, the tag that can be put on a post. the movie is cut into the sharable clips
8/4
>when the existence of everything relies on a nature of self contradiction to define itself
>when the correct philosphy and ideology must be self contradictory and paradoxical to be true because the world in which it exists is also contradictory and paradoxical
>when good things must be stigmatized to remain good
>when one is slave to passion but slave without passion
>when it is good to seek rest peace and desire but one must tire themselves to feel rest and fight to feel peace and suffer to feel desire
>statues must be built so they can be town down
245119
8/3
I feel intangibly dirty my entire life. I feel like an animal that shouldn’t be allowed in my own bed
The large reflects the small. Everything relies on the same rules.
245119
i want so badly to be a normal girl.
if I was any further up the heirarchy of needs of self actualization I wouldn’t waste what I had of myself on stupid decisions and trivial personality and wasted youth or letting my identity fall to consumerism unquestioningly. If I had the chance I would work to be interesting and likable and live fully and live in motion and be part of real things. I would not live for the internet I would not accept living off of the shallow attention only to act helpless when only getting the shallowness I asked for.
Why are there so many passing trans girls or just so many cis girls in general who just choose to waste their existence and destroy themselves for no reason other than that they thought they could live without doing anything more in life or being anything more in life than embody their endlessly refined surface level of identity that gets the most easy attention and approval, only to wonder why they can’t be liked for anything more than what they choose to become
#I would live as heavily and fully as possible
I'm thinking about Ana Stelline from blade runner.
the whole story is about being someone else but knowing you're really her, but you cant be.
ana is the daughter that her actually father loves, and not the strange unloved man who has identical DNA and childhood memories. She's trapped in an artifical world where she has to imagine and create memories for herself growing up. trapped behind the medium of computers because she was never able to live as a person in the real world. but the verson of "her" in the real world is not free but the tragedy of the story
Officer k forgives his father for not loving him because he realizes his father never actually really knew him
And it’s not his fault
He doesn’t tell his dad the truth because he knows he wouldn’t understand
"All the best memories are hers"
"But why? Who am i to you?"
"Go meet your daughter"
7/30 even if i am an interesting person i spend all day on my computer or in my own mind. my body barely exists.
reading writing listening to music watching movies and youtube videos. it could all be the most interesting curation possible but when your hobby is listening to music it's like you barely even exist
when i watch a movie or something i try to think, instead of this being my hobby, what hobby does the interesting character have, that I'm pretending to be part of instead of actually doing? or when someone makes an interesting video i ask what are they doing that I'm not doing right now? what are they doing instead of watching youtube like me?
my hobbies are biking hiking driving trespassing and exploring listening to music watching videos and rarely movies... thinking about things? writing and collecting and curating what i think about. it all seems okay on the surface but it feels like it's anything except for skills and socializing. there's nothing happening outside myself. it doesnt really even seem like it should all count as hobbies then?
#the entirety of me is trapped inside me
7/29 The intended purpouse of every technological advancement is to live like you aren’t even here. The point of technology is to stop existing. Powering up your car, your feet don’t even touch the ground. Working from anywhere like the office doesn’t exist. Like you barely work anywhere. Swiping your credit card it’s like you barely spent any money. You consume content so you’re someone else, not you. consume as much as possible, make everything consumption so you don’t have to exist at all. Build buildings from as little material as possible, from frames of metal and wood with calculated strength so as little as possible is used. It need not be solid or enduring, a small weatherproofing on the margins preserves the barely-there building. The instant tap of water makes you feel as little as possible like you ever felt thirst, felt anything. The air conditioning so as little as possible you are a part of weather. the ultimate goal of technological advancement, the way it is now, will be to not exist at all. The virtual reality or at least the hyperreality. it's not something that starts in the future. The world is, now more than not, in a feeling of not really existing.
the advancement of technology reflects a desire to exist more and more, but a trend to exist as little as posssible.
the object of the human technological desire is to exist as much as possible, but the means is to exist as little as possible
when you're a consumer you try to experience more of reality by experiencing less and less
Technology should be heavy. It should entrench us in reality. To live heavily.
(8/10 addition)
theres something to be admired about the backpackers who have an obsession with the ultralight. in this case the technology is reduced to almost nothingness, unlike in other things it's so that the person exists more. the burden of the heavy equipment is reduced and reduced until it's almost nothing but the weight of water being carried. the weight is reduced to something as little as clothing.
the platonic ideal of the ultralight is the pure human form carrying nothing but culture. the weight of technology is nothing more than the weight of this.
the older and more burdonsome things a person would have had to carry would be themselves a greater aspect of nature itself. The heavier bag from a hundred years ago was heavy because it was made of leather. the cookware was heavy and handmade, hammered copper pocked with human touch, natural forms. the lightweight processed camping food is at some philisophical disadvantage because it must make up for its unnaturalness.
To escape into nature one is philisophically less burdened by the ancient means of cookware and raw ingredients that weighs five pounds than by the 5 ounce processed and freeze-dried meal in a plastic bag.
Artifical meal makes up for it's philisophical lack (quite well to be honest, it can be pretty good) by achieving an impressive portableness that enables the person to have a much more extensive exerience of nature in other ways; the unburdened, further, faster, and higher exploration.
but the more futuritic technology too can embody this natural "heaviness"
(started 8/10 edited 8/15 addition)
look at old views of the technological future, and their succesful actualizations of it, or even modern attempts to recapture what's missing from both.
Can you feel what's different? the technology is there for more than to just become invisible. it's not there to stop people from existing. it's there to be technology, to have weight and tangability with people. where this technology does diminish people it does so through its own monumentality, the way natural formations and ancient buildings made of solid stone would, not by being a formless facade dissipating experiences and cowering away from reality and nature of consumption. The technology almost seems to have a sense of respect for itself. Even in where technology was meant to be formidable or immoral it was ultimately cemented in reality. when technology would go wrong it was more than serpentine and shyly manipulative but ultimately overwhelming and strong. Projecting it's own existence so confidently that it created an atmosphere of it's own rather than stepping aside to leech off of a dying cultural energy it would not feed.
even the cryptic and mysterious nature of technology of the past lies in something monumental at it's foundations, like religion of old, but the late world wants to deny everything, even the spectacle of it's own mere potential immorality.
This present world is not alone in this trend, it is the culmination of a historical effort of exponentially increasing power and fine-tuning and social engineering and public relations to escape and deny potential negativity or responsibility of the figures, machinery, culture or symbols that make up pillars of control and power within civilization. The means of doing this is through making things feel like they barely exist at all, things are indifferent and blameless and lighthearted and pacifist. The products and markets are, within the etiquette created by the society, not believed a force of power in civilization, not cultural or philisophical, they do not inbew people with certain values and forces, they're just products and markets. If created to be superficial, then something must not be a cultural force. it is believed that only what is serious can inbew cultural forces in people, and what is created to be superficial cannot be interpreted seriously. The symbols are just symbols, and every politician is just a figurehead. Nothing is anything. Technology becomes the center of the nothing.
7/28 government should always actually stand for something, even something unjust. if the government is doing something unjust it should at least stand for it's own values and admit it and practice it and hold an ideology. if a society is unjust and the government just doesnt admit responsibility and doesnt stand for anything or practice anything or have cultural or ideological values or founding principles then it lacks the whole point of a government, it's not a sovereign government, or really even a government at all but instead a corporation. it's only purpouse being to run an economy, an entity with no moral foundation decides what and who the economy is for. It's better to have a government even be tangably unjust so that it's values can be fought over and resolved and society progresses with purpouse and is actually challenged if ever wrong.
what's the point of being a human with ideas and beliefs and philosophy and feelings at all if we choose a society where we try to get rid of all those things and stop them from making any difference
#whats the purpouse of having a government in the first place#its always better to fight over things than to pacify and fake everything and pay eternal lip service and have no purpouse at all
a government must be able to fight for ideas and it must be itself an idea people can fight against
gay people in an accepting society; im so useless.. weh im puppy. i'm a bottom i cant drive. im so bimbopilled. i love to watch anime 30 hours a day. being stupid is so sexy. when the autistic shawty go nonverbal. i have adhd. yes i have a phd in CS, i dont use it for anything im just the IT employee for some fuckass random company and i code shitty video games
gay people in a homophobic society when they're blackmailed or some shit; yes of course sir i will invent the most advanced computer ever. hm today i think im going to assasinate the emperor
7/27 I’m starting to think that the people who live extremely vibrant and promising childhoods and then die in an insane car crash the day they graduate high school or college actually max
out on life happiness.
From an outside perspective it sucks but you can’t really have a much better life than someone who died instantly and painlessly at the peak of their potential. It’s equivalent to selling stocks at the absolute highest peak before they dip. That’s maximum life happiness
Beat the cycles of samsara buy buying the dip and selling at the high points. It’s just like how the economy has cycles.
Wait a second, is the economy a direct statistical representation of samsara?……
The shape of samsara shifts beneath the veil of our social constructs. Samsara is there beneath our economy as we try to quantify the universe around us
I'm not anti- leftist necessarly but i dont think leftism actually counts as an ideology, it's really just a social etiquette.
Leftists really have very little ideology that isn’t just economic criticism. Ask about any deeper philosophy or any idea about purpose in life and they say “the great thing is everyone can choose for themselves” which is them subconsciously admitting they have no idea
Anti-capitalist ideology only makes sense as a criticism of capitalism. You still need actual cultural values and shit, but every established culture comes with fear that it can carry traces of prejudice or older ideas, so leftists just end up with a culture of only what’s modern; ironically that means 100% consumerism. they feed directly back into capitalism, and again, adopt all the premises upon which it sees the world. only they ask that someone invent a more equitable and etiquette-friendly version of it. A more equitable and etiquette-friendly massive machine of industrial-scale consumerism. Is that really the peak of civilization? of human potential? of fulfilling human existence? to just make consumerism as easy as possible?
Communism wouldn’t really make sense as an ideology to anyone pre industrial revolution, because there’s barely ideology in it, it’s just economic theory. it still assumes the capitalist breakdown of all philosophy into economics is the only objectively true view of the world.
(communism couldnt exist without capitalism, and in a certain way Marx already says that if i recall correctly. but he imagines it as more of one of many in-between states in the natural progresion away from things like fedualism. But with this idea, he does not state or intentionally imagine what he implies; that everything in the entire world and all of philosophy must be subsumed into quantifiable economics. It's simply accepted that economics is the rational language of everything. That economics is the science for philosophy which a more rational future civilization must use, and every philosopher who does not talk about economics is a pseudoscientist. Now that i think about it, isn't that what they mean by the "eternal science" of marxism-leninism?)
8/27 leftists always pick out fascism so effectively and accurately in every individual facet of existence and belief that people reason or inclinate twoards. but eventually if they continue they will find it more and more anywhere they look until they find it everywhere. and they will either be paralyzed or uncover the fabric of philisophical reality itself. and the sum of parts of everything they called fascism will be so much more than anything they previously wanted to restrict themselves into believing the word meant. That for everything that is wrong with it and all the harm the ideology has caused, ultimatly the truth of existence is a little bit fascist. When something is true, it will always be true because it's a little bit fascist. And regardless of if it itself should be practaiced, any ideology that succeeds will do so with the elements it has in common with fascism. no parent today wants their kid to actually become a fascist, but every parent ultimately wants to instill in them the fascist spirit, to instill the value of suffering or of labor over the value of comfort. the value of progeny the value of physicality, a patrental fear of disability or deviance, a need to instill a striving for superiority and familial identity.(9/10 every ideology survives through elements of fascism. An ideology that refuses to compromise any understanding to fascism will not survive, not in a government, and not in an individual. This is true regardless of the values an ideology means to uphold or the methods it wants to use, if it survives then somewhere within it, it compromises to fascism. Ideology and government are both at a conceptual level essentially fascist. It is only etiquette, which can appear to be an ideology, which does not need to compromise to fascism.
)
7/26
when we try to use our technological and industrial advacement to make everything realer than real and more enjoyable than reality, say for example food scientests constantly engineering the most perfectly maximized enjoyable food, if we use science to improve everything to the absolute limit in exchange for profit, at what point do we admit we're just creating drugs?at what point would our scientific knowlege be better spent just making normal food without bothering to do special research and processing and just lace it with small amounts of ecstacy or something. How much does something need to be artificially developed to stimulate us more before we decide it's the same to just skip to drugs. From a consumer perspective or scientest's perspective it wouldnt be any different, it's only from a legal or philisophical perspective we stop to think. If we find ways to scientifically condense all ability for enjoyment into a single point so it can be sold, how is that different? what is the technology doing to improve things? We're already so far into these technological advancements that the normal things people were content with in preindustrial society are difficuly to stomach. it's hard to imagine how anyone could be happy then if the only things we can enjoy in our modern world didn't even exist for them. joking that the flavor of a single dorito or sour skittle would kill a victorian child. are you so sure we are different? can you eat raw plants anymore ? you tasted the same thing that you joked would kill a victorian child -or at least mess unimaginably with them the rest of their life. a single dorito would kill you too. every time you fuck up your diet and get closer to an early death, every time your brain is fucked with, thats the effect of the single dorito people joke about
7/25 long term nuclear waste warnings, which have been talked about to death and most people wish to forget about, still leave their main questions unanswered, our monuments only inspire fascination with and reverence for what is lost. our symbols stuggle to retain meaning. a preisthood or religious canon of some kind to pass down oral traditions and beliefs may keep our warnings alive for thousands of years even through changing language and societal collapses. we worry how our most important messages are so zealous that there is no hope of them being taken seriously by the future. how do we stop the advanced knowledge of our high society from becoming a supersitition, long after the society itself collapses into cycles of dark ages and rebiths and is thoroughly forgotten about?
And yet, we don't think to heed the same warning from our own past, that the vedic texts and the oral tradition of the upanishads tells us of the cycles of civlilizations destroyed and forgotten over massive time scales, of the myth that babylon was not built but rebuilt from the ruins of the greater civilization that came from a time before. We don't think to see that the oldest civilzations are all along the fertile floodplains, and that only those which flooded the least remain. The most fertile of all ancient land is also that which crumbled to the seas the most. just as we, looking down on their ignorance, build our civilizations the densest where the land is most ready to flood. we rely on knowledge of archeology from the layers of rock that are in a constant state of being absorbed back into the molten earth.
Even satilites will fall out of orbit from gravitational abornmalities after a matter of millenia. our creations left planted on the moon may survive longer, but the moon is fodder for all the things that fall from deep space. the surface is battered with billions of craters, so finely destroyed that few rocks are left not turned to dust, as will happen to the human marks left there. Perhaps a particularly monolithic and primitive structure -something totally out of place among the delicate, intricate, and light pure-utility of space travel- could outlast us. Maybe if we cared enough, but as with us it seems there is nothing left to last from a civilization before. As of yet nothing has been found, buried deep in the moon.
Just as we wonder about the atmosphere of venus mysteriously turning from possibly habitable to being nine hundred degrees with acid rain after a sudden period of greenhouse emissions millions of years ago, we wonder our place in the universe and what course industrialization on earth takes.
7/24 wouldnt you rather be a person struggling to save yourself from something bad in life than have to be one of the people who knows they're not be worth saving at all. That even if it were possible to solve your agonizing problems you have to know it's not even worth your own effort.
the things that need to be said cannot be said by me. i can be a passing observer journaling, but all these things need to be written about by someone else. someone who can make it all useful and someone who can, despite understanding these problems and dedicating effort to dissecting them, not be tied down by them. someone who can understand exactly what is wrong with the technology and culture and ideology but not from within
#what i say needs to be said and inevitably will be said#but i am the wrong person in the wrong time and place#my ability to write makes no difference
7/23 evangelion is genuinely such an impressive explortion of philosophy and art in general and it makes me sad that it's just a meme. like literally nobody cares about what the show is saying, not even the most extreme fans. even the people debating the meaning only seem to care about as much as theyd care in disecting any piece of fiction. they're just a more thorough kind of consumer
#one of the only good anime ever made and nobody cares what it's about. not even it's own fans. it's just a fucking meme. i hate the internet#i fucking hate the internet so much
a bug bite reveals instantly the true nature of samsara. An infinite cycle where desire and suffering are clearly the same thing, and what you really want is not to satisfy the burning itch but to feel none at all. And the cycle will literally never end until you understand to let go.
there is no outsmarting samsara. as if nobody else ever thought of trying that. if you could really outsmart the realm in which you choose to perpetuate cycles of suffering then you would easily find a way to escape the internet.
i also generally dont believe in the concept of "outsmarting". there is no such thing as "outsmarting" anything in life, only normal smarting, whatever that means. if you tried "outsmarting" enough you'd realize this is true. underground man.
You can never exceed limitations, just as you can never break the laws of the universe, you you only discover that you had miscalculated the limitations, miscalculated the laws.
now, solve this small problem with a warm spoon, but inevitably the universe will have pain that is not so forgiving and if you have chosen not to understand pain at all in favor of delaying it, there will be no equivalent of a lifehack gimmick cure
245119
7/20 leftists fail to understand that the true secret societal function of shame around sex is not only for it's obvious benefits like deterring porn addiction or objectification or infidelity or STDs or personal drama but also because shame makes sex better. all of sexuality.
right wingers too but a very specific type of them
7/19 people see the south or appalachia as sort of backwards, maybe in technology and economic sense it's behind by a century, but the large cities of america are behind by a millenium or more. look at new york, look at los angeles, look at miami, and nobody wants to admit it but behind the vast wealth of technology these are extremely primitive places just brimming with primitive practices. physionomy, social caste system, astrology. you name it, los angeles is culturally a thousand years behind, twisted and archaic and medieval.
no room for humanity anymore. Everything is just a joke, and you’re not allowed to ruin the joke
7/18 true hapiness isnt even about things being currently good it's being excited about whats next. when you're a kid thats the feeling, theres so much thats left to happen in the future.
you watch movies you like and play the games you like in the golden age as a kid, and sure you like whats happening in that moment but really the hapiness is all about how excited you are for whats to come next. its not about the thing being good now but creating a bright feeling about the future
i'm seeing my freind ive only seen once since middle school this weekend. it made me feel happy, i thought about how it brought me back, i would finally be revisiting that energy i lost in my life. when we had so much energy and when we were kids. but his voice was so deep and different on the phone, totally unrecognizable. and i realized then that im never going to meet my friend again, not the person i saw last time at least. we said goodbye at some point years ago, and that was the last time i ever saw him, he's still here but he's not that kid anymore. I'm not either
(later addition) i was right, his personality was completely unrecognizable. it was fun to spend a weekend with someone but i didnt know him at all and i would never have befriended him if he was always this way, to be honest he sort of seemed like a bad person, just in that subtle way where he's been in an isolated ultra-rich resort town for the last four years. not only that but those were his high school years- the way he turned out now is going to be defining of who he is forever. I'm never going to see the kid I knew before ever again
if you ever asked the universe for a sign it's time to stop asking. the signs are here
they are the biggest signs humanity has ever seen
to put it in a personified way, the universe knows we are ignorant and arrogant enough not to notice subtle signs anymore. the universe is screaming ever more loudly each day it is not noticed. And it will not stop until there is no longer any possible way to avoid hearing it
7/17
its sad theres so many ways and so much untapped potential for girls to be masculine that doesnt involve being a dumbass on the internet. someone could at least try using the internet in an interesting way, it's not like being online counts as a personality trait anymore when literally everyone uses it and is forced to use it. thats actually like the worst way to be masculine- to just be a trend consumer.
#using the internet only counted as a personality trait when you needed a special personality to be into computers.#if everyone in the world is forced to use computers and computers are made dumbed down to be easy for consumers...#..then being online can only count as a personality trait if youre actually using the internet for a special reason.#not just the same reason everyone uses it.#either way. female masculinity is being lost despite or even because of lgbt movements in culture#everything about gender is being subsumed into algorithims so any real masculinity is unattainable#gender is just a meme- the movement messed up by giving in to the meme and replacing physicality with the meme#its even harder to be a tomboy in a world where gender is just a meme than one with harsh homophobia #to clarify- it was a more difficult experience to be masculine in an unaccepting society, but it's less *possible* to be a tomboy at all in a emasculating and identity-melting society
>
something went wrong, you would assume from the worldview of both the conservative and progressive that the old archetypes of female masculinity would have been relatively about average compared to now, with increasing margins for masculinity, and yet.... where is it?
in an age where everyone is inside and being dragged into internet for socialization and nobody is out playing in a physical way, it's actually harder and less likely for girls to authentically be masculine. despite the internet being largely identified as a hearthstone of lgbt cultural movements, which presumably would lend itself in some way to there being more tomboys, in reality even with the ability to socialy and biologically completely transition to actually being male there is even still a loss of the psysicality on tangable actualization of the masculine. for either political alignment, its concerning that the internet is destroying realized or actualized identity, most especially the aspects best described as physical and often also known as masculine
#i think boys are being dumbasses on the internet too. and i do think i would say the same thing prevents them from experiencing femininity#but it feels less of an issue to me
actually the internet makes boys stupid as fuck but it doesnt stop them from being feminine, which is distinctly different from the opposite issue I'm worried about.
7/14 most internet art was cool at first but it ever increasingly just feels like the artists are all somehow making art not as creators but consumers, trying pathetically to connect the dots between their borrowed personality traits. personality which the algorithm feeds to millions of other consumers homogenously. there is no creation, just mixing the sludge
in a gratingly frustrating irony, pictures of the uncanny, silent, empty, spaces, the photos that capture a pause at an odd moment, the foggy city street, the 3am at a gas station, none of these photos are allowed to invoke what they actually are, what they’re meant to be. a sort of surreal dreamlike feeling. instead they can now only invoke the clamoring consumerist masses of social media looking to aestheticize and turn everything into content and hoard it and distort it in a craving for attention. the quiet and surreal dream is gone. only the algorithm remains. everything is noisy. a cultural pollution fills everything
245119
7/13 you need to understand that what you deserve isn’t about compensation for much you suffer but about if you’re actually a good and likeable person
7/12 the human mind's refusal to grow past a certain age is a suble hint that we arent meant to live so long. we can already see basically everything we need to in this world within a few short years. our mind grows tired because we drag it further than it needs to go. further than it has any reason to exist, anything new to see or anything left for it to do. our body refuses to go on past a very young age too.
to fear the night is primordial, but to revere the sunset is human
#it serves no purpouse. it simply is .#theres no evolutionary reason. no instinct. its only for human understanding that it matters at all to revere the impermanence of day
7/11 The average trans girl is just understandably in agony and stuck at the base of maslow’s heirarcy by of needs without even the body to continue fulfilling any higher stages in life. But any time a trans girl *is* one of the lucky few given a chance to be normal, they all are ultimately tempted by the power of ruining their own lives for attention online or in worse ways.
Since by finally being able to escape the hell that was their chained identity and be one of the luckiest rarest few people out of thousands their reward is to start at square one. To finally, after all the existentially painful odds and suffering, just revert to becoming a normal girl and suddenly be competing from the bottom again.
after everything you went through just to be a girl, now you have to not care about it all anymore If you want to live a normal happy life as a girl. The final stage in getting everything you want is to just not care that you got it.
The final stage of being a trans girl is either turning your back on the movement or getting stuck in it and letting it exploit you to the fullest simply because that’s what you would envy if you were at the bottom.
With the amount of social capital that can finally buy your freedom and a normal life, you could instead afford a much higher position here, where you would have power. The purchasing power of social currency, fame, attention, maybe literal money. what is freedom worth in the normal world by comparison?
reign in hell or serve in heaven, but either way pull the ladder up behind you. That’s the best case scenarios you can hope to be in as a trans girl.
7/8 I no longer hope for a good world. I only wish the bad world would regain some sense of dignity and reality in its evil.
It literally doesn’t matter if you go back to better things in any way. You speak the same language but everything means something different now. It all means something worse. It’s impossible to say something good on the internet now.
You will never be able to say what you want to say again. The words don’t exist anymore. All meaning is stolen
Its not that the *old* meanings no longer exist. This is not an evolution of meaning. Not selection or elimination It is a total extinction.
#The reality nobody can believe in is not a reality at all#The end of meaning is the end of the world
7/5 why even try so hard and pain yourself so much to communicate a specific emotion or experience when you know someone is just going to imagine their own experience. the best you can hope for is just ending up inspiring someone to have their own totally different experience, with the only thing in common being what you created, but not actually any part of *your internal experience* which led to making it
all art feels pointless. even every conversation
not pointless for other people, but pointless as a creator
7/3
God, the secret to happiness really is just everything obvious and normal, its only that sometimes it takes extremely strenuous reflection across long periods of life to realize what’s “obvious”. And that "normalcy" is very rare in all things, but real no matter how undefinable. And that “normal” also contains things that are special.
7/1 we find people who are the same as as so we can talk share our interests ind find new things. but all we will have to communicate is that we are the same. and we will have nothing new to find because we are all only here to find people we are already the same as. in real life there would be some variability between people seeking those similar to them, online we can all find the exact same things and become the same people as eachother and meet only empty variations of ourselves. only different enough to annoy us and drive us insane. on purpouse people will make themselves irritating out of sheer desperation to find individuality, to sever themselves. It cultivates increasinly fringe borderline personality disorders as people desperately try to disdingush themselves in the same ways. because even their drives to distinguish individuality are picked up by the algorithm, and so subsumed into new kinds of sameness
6/30
insane how stuff like boston dynamics and chatbot ai and object recognition are already boring novelties. like the tech for real sci-fi level robots exists and it's just kind of boring. like nobody really even wants it. in 2015 you just would not believe this at all. a person from 2015 wouldn't even believe the invention of airpods.
once the development of / hype around current AI projects begins to level out, people are going to stop focusing on the AI itself start remembering all the ways people speculated it would be used in sci-fi. like we're there, the future. with existing technology people can just make human robots, it's really just a matter of waiting first to see where AI goes on it's own before anyone wants to branch off into developing something else with it.
(addition 7/5 )nobody wants to specialize it with other technology until it's complete, but once it is, things are gonna get crazy
(addition 7/28)nobody cares about any news regarding ufos or claims of non-human pilots. Whether it's true or part of some convoluted propaganda or some alternative explaination is crazy enough to explain it, no matter what, this is it right now, THE sci-fi future
6/28
i think society has lost the way which people had complex and personal understandings of the world around them. Nowadays people have to have discrete and sovereign ideologies and religious beliefs. You have to subscribe to ideas, you can’t really have a sense of awe in a collection of explanations for the human experience you know is fundamentally unknowable.
For a good amount of time, trying to explain things ultimately came down to a wordless sort of awe. but increasingly, these things are not allowed to just be feelings, not feelings just orbited in long conversations with close friends, words must take their place, and must take the central place. You have fancy technical and academic terms, buzzwords, other coined terms, aesthetics, etc. you have to have a quick way to distinguish your way of seeing the world, and you can align yourself with other people. there’s no room for your understanding to stray too far from the local terminology.
even in the esoteric now, there is always a local terminology and localized preexisting “understandings” with which you build yourself, not to build yourself *off* of, or to *inspire* your self-realization. When you consult and communicate with established ideas and texts, you are not anymore “learning” or taking away something for your personal understanding, but rather being pulled “into the dialogue” of something
#I think becoming a ‘citizen’ of a ‘sovereign philosophy’ is opposed to being a ‘sovereign individual’#In other words… lack of individual philosophical sovereignty=Lack of personality#Ironically being normal used to mean you were special. It at least meant you were not so unoriginal#To have broad clusters of standardized ideas like you can on the internet would have been considered not normal for people a short time ago
6/27
people forget that even in the appeal of the most terminally online spaces, the value (appeal) of culture of the internet is not a fiat "currency", it's a gold standard "currency" of culture, where the value of the culture or any part of the culture ultimately comes down to something from real life. the value comes from the internet process which occurs to artifacts of real life.
I.E. if you use the internet only as a place to talk about using the internet, then it's no wonder why "the internet sucks now". Stop fuckign calling yourself "lainpilled" lain was literally inside her computer and shit and the story still was more about real life than your life is on twitter.
6/26
since suffering is inevitable-
(both in it's causes in the physical world, and internally, psychologically our baseline for enjoyment will always cancel out any enjoyment from life getting better or from stimulation eventually, in order to keep us desiring, and therefore keep us suffering, because we need desire for action. We evolved for it and can never un-evolve suffering. and thirdly in the inherent seperation of the will, individuals with individual desires who are -by definition of being individual- incapable of complete coexistence by the very definition of being individualand/seperate people. [I'm assuming this is already pretty obvious for most people who know about philosophy but I'm restating it])
-the best thing to actually hope for is to just have a planned small amount of time every now and then where you get all of your necessary suffering out of the way as quickly and intensely as possible, so that for the rest of your time you're free to be normal and happy.
#what makes me extremely fucking angry is looking back and realizing that i was given adderall for SCHOOL - and that was my peak cycle#and i was left to have my *withdrawls* in my FREE TIME#it's a complete ruining of everything. it was a perfect off switch to the cycle of hapiness and motivation and any chance of having hobbies #so i had my energy arrtificially summoned for the unlikable time of my childhood- and suffered nonstop as soon as i was 'free' to do things of my own #of course for someone like me there is no 'solution'- adderall was going to ruin my life but i also had no realistic option not to take it #the only 'solution' is if i had been born a different person who never needed it
the solution to escaping the infinite cycle of suffering inherent to existence, according to one user, is by just taking some oregano and seed oils
6/23 people kind of act like everything in the world was made up just to give them something to talk about online
6/22
The only people who are immune to this virus of algorithmic culture which has destroyed socialization are people who are almost immune to human connection itself in the first place. cold and distant people are the only people with that old glimmer of real humanity somewhere within.
#Only the people in a sad dreamy darkness. Sort of impossible and unknowable people. #a lot of people fake being that way nowdays. everyone wants their depression to look like that. like they have some interesting inner world
#they think that if they're depressed then they at least must have the mysterious and interesting and profound kind, they have to believe that's true
#but they just have the aesthetic of someone with an inner world #society is depressing for almost everyone now. you're no more of a special person for falling headfirst into the sadness of the internet #a sappy hapless itch to follow trends reveals who is just aestheticizing it and who is real #and it seems that it's almsot never real anymore
6/22
I feel a sense of emotional maturity washing over me these days. But I don’t know if I’m ready to let it set in yet. Just a child. Just holding on to the tiniest bit of childhood, that smallest part that I actually feel love for out of everything that’s horrible. It’s such an strange feeling. The realness. Reality. I feel sort of light. Like the more real it gets the more aware I am of the fact I’m barely even there
Every fucking person thinks they have something worth saying and they deserve to be heard when they say the most unfunny jokes. Every single person wants to milk this to be the one who gets a hit post. I hope they find the most disturbing thing humanity has ever seen when they open the submarine and I hope the reporting on it is as detailed as possible so that peabrains looking for attention suddenly crumble like paper out of shock
the language I want to speak doesn’t exist anymore. It died out along with the world that came before.
you're invoking the same things. but they dont mean anything to you.
incapable of humanity. you are incapable of humanity. its obvious in the way you reduce yourslf to nothing. for what? the internet?
there could be an asteroid about to blow up half the planet and 100000 new york twitter influencers would be thinking "YES! this is my chance to get more attention for being annoying!!"
6/21
i dont want people getting their grubby rancid social media brains all over my website and my writing and art. theyre polluting everything with their "thoughts".
even just looking at the things ive worked so hard on is a pollution. a ruining of it. theyre touching it with their gross twitter user eyes. fucking freaks. everything they touch gets worse. everything they even tthink about gets worse. their total inability to appreciate things or understand them as they are meant to be means that theyre almost magically reducing how good it is. theyre corrupting it's worth just by perceiving it wrong, it's like quantum physics but with cultural disease
so many of these people in the world are not real sentient humans and should never have been given the language of sentient humans, the ability to express theings they won't experience. the ability to consume and change the course of cultures they will not understand. the truest emotions in the world are all being dug up and destroyed by them. its not just mainstream being bad or social media being bad. people are sinking to being lower forms of life. conswumer brained and irony poisoned and shallow, without agency or individual human identity. just reinventing themselves as lower and lower forms of life
if you reach acceptance that means your brain is destroyed
four billion social media users in the world. only literal multimillionares or people who are nearly modern day slaves living in impovrished countries are without the grasp of the internet
i want a friend who will chill as we browse 4chan together without thinking im insane just for being on any part of the site. look i know it's bad. i dont know why you expect to have your internet experience all cleaned up and lying to you about how marketable everything iss
#let's look at the web together dont be so afraid of it
6/17 I really feel such an overwhelming need to write about things which are nothing more than distractions.
I care about bigger things than what I spend my time writing, I'm just giving so much effort to breaking down these problems wich are simply distractions from my overall attempt to write about a larger world of philosophy. There is so much that goes deeper than these meticulous complaints.
6/15
out of hundreds of the most famous philosophers ever from all of history, is there any credible, enduring, philosopy which would see social media as good.. or even acceptable? (the algorithmization of the individual identity within society, consumption, hyperreality, epistemic psychology, disposable culture, industrialization of how culture exists)
it feels like universal common ground that no actual philosopher ever, regardless of the most extremely fundemental dissagreements between them, would see social media and think "this is the right way for humanity to go"
the only kind of person, the only philosphy, which can accept this as a good state of humanity, is no philosophy at all. only a person who refuses to care could justify this.
it's not that the internet can't exist, but that at the least, it can't resemble anything that exists today. it would resemble something closer to old internet, pre-social media.
if you asked a philosoher to invent something as harmful as possible to the individual mind, to lifestyle, to culture, to society, to humanity, to values and ambition and sanity and health and persistant joy-- if you asked them to come up with something that would undo as much of their work as possible, something that would destroy from the inside everything philosophy has ever done, then they would be able to identify what we currently have as that thing
#war. disease. fammine. natural disaster. these are already constants in humanity. but they all end. they all collapse under their own weight#they collapse for how bad they are. and they leave with relief eventually.#but the internet- that is somthing people want . the disaster is that it is designed to make people want it. designed never to collapse#it's a disaster beyond nature. outside of even human nature#and as it remains an eternal constant it will fuel just a little more evil in all of the temporary disasters which pass around it.#and it will fuel all the enduring flaws in the society it inherits
6/13 I'm listening to a reading of Ted kacynski's manifesto. so far I'm really liking it
more and more i feel that the scope of my writing is staying far far too small. In contrast to all the philosophy that I actually consume and think about, my writing feels like a mere documentation on current affairs, no matter how satisfied i am with the cutting accuracy of what i write. It reads less like philosophy and almost more like journalism. For that reason the writing doesn't really serve to do anything. I'm very much trying to describe a war by documenting it in essays one gunshot wound at at time. For posterity it may be a great source of information on the emotions and on-the-ground experience of the present moment, but to the people *of* the present moment- it's almost completely meaningless.
I'm just embarrassingly paling in comparison every time i do try to compare myself, but everything on such a vast scale seems so well covered, I'm left to describe lessser or more temporary phenomona (or to add a sense of personal wonder to the cold texts). At least I hope that the problems of today are lesser and temporary in the scale of history, maybe i just think that because I'm hoping it's true.
6/12
A woman could be great, if only it were not for that allure of a more comfortable life which only demands to take the price of her dignity
That is to say her individuality, autonomy, solitude, the quiet moments of serious contemplation and the tough moments of relf-realization, self-actualization, the stoic, solemn, and austere. the freedom to hide a depth of her personality inside, it only demands her humanity.
Sacrifice all ambition for comfort. After all, ambition isn’t a real thing you can give up, it’s not a quality of life, it’s a chance, a risk, but comfort is something you can have. And why wouldn’t you want it? What does ambition do to make life any more real?
Dignity, that’s something you have a free supply of. Why not give it up? Spending dignity, just for the opportunity to give up fragments of your own life, and then -maybe- get the comfort you gave up so much for, why not? It’s not like it’s doing anything when you’re not spending it. where else are you supposed to spend it? When you’re losing dignity, when you're spending it, when you're trying at all, you might as well not waste what was lost and spend everything else you have.
In the back of every woman’s mind is that voice promising that if she only is willing to give up a little more dignity, dignity of being fully human, that she has a chance to make her life more comfortable.
It's not just a matter of the blatant dehumanization, of men, or of a specific person or people ojectifying woman out of apathety or antagonistism. It's in everything that makes up the accepted feminity, taken so much for granted that it's power doesn't seem to exist.
Sinking into the comfort of people who you have no reason to feel close to, simply for comfort alone, and not because they matter especially, and not even because you think they are *supposed* to matter, or may grow close in the future. This allure of comfort and the promise that it's acceptable hides the effect it has. To accept relationship without meaning, to broaden "closeness" to people you don't actually have common personlity with, you flatten your identity. In the constant acceptance that you must crush down your identity, you are giving up the space in you personality to store something you don't have yet, and it is something which will never even occur to you to have, because you keep no space for it. The will never present itself as a possible version of who you could be.
To accept solitude when you would rather be in the comfort of people, on the basis that you want to reserve some of your personality for people who you find you actually have more in common with, is viewed as a male-exclusive trait, which a woman must subconsiously avoid, for rear of perceived coldness.
The truth is that it's not just something that's accepted as a woman, but that you're forced into AND forced to think that you accepted on your own. In this manner of socialization you are required to forefit autonomy and individuality, you are not allowed to have personality that breaks the invisible regulations. No matter what statment peice of your idenity stands out it can never escape the constant feild of gravity twoards the average of collective identity and personality. To do so forefits the unspoken social contract to refuse exceptionality.
It is the very state of solitude, the quiet moments of serious contemplation, the stoicism, the solemn, and the austere, that is needed to create the exceptional identity which escapes the gravity of the social contract. It is only through these tough and often, at first glance, very undesireable moments that you can fully appreciate relf-realization and self-actualization. The freedom of identity is to be able to hide a depth of her personality inside, the freedom of privacy and freedom to escape social pressure. Not to be deluded into thinking you must change yourself simply by joining a different social contract, but to escape the need for a dependent personality at all.
The appeal is clear in many women, very many women want and try to escape their socialization. They try to escape their pre-allowed roles, even to escape into what was supposed to be subversive but only ended up being a role of "subversive woman". They want more individuality, more distinction, more exception, they want self-realization in solitude. And within those groups there are women who want even further to be austere and stoic and serious. But many women are caught in it all again when it's rebranded as an aesthetic. (as is the case with personality in our late society regardless of what demographic you are, and especially more so on the internet)
To socialize is good, to find commonality is good, to change as you meet people is good, but you must befriend people without ever conceding any ground as to who “you” are.
6/11
when it's all just the same technology and media and internet constantly being resold without anything ever changing or getting better....
"whats your opinion on eternal damnation?"
"as far as i'm concerned, if it's eternal it must be damnation"
no amount of palatability of media and technology will ever justify it being the same thing over and over forever
There is no dream so good that it justifies never waking up. And there is no life that is so vibrant that it justifies never needing to sleep. My view of eternal damnation is that if something is eternal, it must be damnation
6/11 theres some emotions you're only supposed to feel at night
6/10
old minecraft in singleplayer is extremely ozymandian
you can feel the weight of the time and emptyness in the music especially
you could wander forever and always find more emptyness. you can build a city as grand as possible and it will always be empty. the weight of the emptyness and vastness and time is so overwhelming
6/10 i feel like nietzsche was already basically right about everything and basically any new insight is just going to elaborate or expand or reunderestand or apply his ideas in new ways, though some people can't understand the nuance involved even when thinking this
6/10 a lot of people being so mean clowning on Ted (kaczynski) now he's died. As if he had to be right about everything to be right about anything
6/10
the more distinct in your personality any surface level trait is, the more guarenteed you are to be annoying. stereotypes work because anyone who's personality embodies something so surface level about themselves is almost guarenteed to be unlikeable, and that is the person who will be conjured by a stereotype.
the theoretical least annoying person is someone who you know as little about externally from getting to know their personality alone. The internet stranger, the book narrator, the completely formless pure human essence with nothing but personality, the sooner a person is able to ruin that the more you can expect them to be annoying. talking about dating or sex in any way almost always always immediately gives me the most basic information about you and basically that you can't aescend maslow's heirarchy of needs in terms of your personality.
here's a very rough and incomplete visual of my theory so far, maslow's heirarchy of gauging how annoying people are by their ability to have a personality exceeding superficial things. i think it definetly need to be reworked a lot, feels very much like it need to be rearranged and elaborated on before it makes sense
Money and physical appearance too, are some things that stand at the base of superficiality and lack of complexity in identity. At it's best, an individual in a demorgraphic doesn’t need to declare what they are, that's not how you're liked for something, you wouldnt need that to be liked for something. The draw to subsume elements of lower identity into personality is a function of insecurity.
at a fundamental basic human level, there is always something which can be called insecurity. If nothing else there will at least be the need for individual recognition. Security of existence, being a social animal
I'm sure like usual theres a link to be made with schoppenhauer's ideas about individuality and socialization and the hedgehog's dilemma. but i think the point is made
sewerslvt will always be better than all the rest simply because she wasnt faking any of it. it wasnt a persona, it wasnt her competing to be the edgiest, or about her trying to copy some aesthetic. The aesthetic, or at least it's current version, emerged at the same time and a lot of it was made out of people trying to copy her- or whatever "aesthetic" they thought she was. She genuinely just had a personality, which seemingly nobody is capable of understanding. she wasnt trying to fill any of the stupid fucking archetypes of trans girl music producer or old internet user or anything, she was authentically and genuinely interested in music making for years. she was actually just on forums for years. she wasnt faking the emotions or being dramatic like anyone else is. she actually genuinely had horrible shit happen in her life. it's not at all like the fucking twitter users who act like middle schoolers making themselves depressed on purpouse so they can complain about it with memes. and maybe the best proof of all that it was completely real and genuinely just her, is the fact she left, the fact she never wanted to be a fucking influencer like all these retarded zoomers do. She went viral and she didnt want to, she didnt seek out more attention at all. That's what nobody who's come after her will understand, she was actually a real person.
#everything about her art was completely as antithetical as possible to people who wanted to fake it#it was the most absolute anti-trend#every single aspect of it was as unshareable and unmarketable and shameful as possible to talk about#it was all the most dark and personal and inexpressable it could possibly be... and people just want it as an edgy aesthetic#worst of all is that when people copy it as an edgy aesthetic they like to be all fucking playful and jokey about it...#and pretend being that it's all a good thing#the whole fucking point is the darkness of it all- that's why i say the biggest proof of her being real was the fact she left#it's like people relating to a character when in reality they mean the beginning of the character arc alone as an aesthetic#- because they completely miss the entire poinf of the story#cant stress enough that making music was her life's work consisting of thousands of hours. and her late music is full of genre masterpieces#her music is NOT the result of someone who one day decided to follow a trend
when was the rule of staying normal and sane on the internet changed from remembering that everyone you meet online is a real person in the real world to reassuring yourself that nothing you see here is real and none of this matters in the real world? When did we change the litany?
#and what are the greater implications for humanity too?
screens and papers are a tragedy for people who were meant to stare off into the distance
in a certain way, propaganda artists are guarenteed to be some of the truest artists, because their art has to actually prove it works, and the art is under the absolute strongest of real scrutiny. There's no faking the art's power for expression of ideas and emotions from people just wanting to be nice or pretend that they get it. a propaganda artist is acually fighting tooth and nail in the world of art to make the most powerful art possible. if they're good, they're good.
#and as a tip for art#search for the strongest or most important emotions you can#figure out what is evoking those emotions#then just imagine you're making propaganda for whatever it is
6/9 If you learn something because of Twitter you didn’t actually learn it if you found out about something because of Twitter you didn’t actually find it and if you became a fan of something because of Twitter then you’re not a real fan
6/9 for even the most stable and prosperous people i know, enjoying life means being able to feel that life isnt real
(with cultural pollution) the only winning move is not to know. not to know is how nobody stops it. unless it's stopped it will invade everything. the only way not to know is to annhiliate it completely
the way to understand things is to struggle to explain them. If you can just use a buzzword then you are sapped of understanding
6/8 do you ever feel like you're missing out on types of conversations people don't have anymore?
6/8 just below the veneer of entertainment you will find the deepest and most existentially horrifying evil in the world. like seeing just beneath the surface of fast food, not just that it's digusting slop, but seeing the endless factories and factories of churning meat pulp and nitrogen preservatives and beyond that slaughterhouses for million of animals every day.
Thats the equivent of how i feel when i try to look just beneath the surface of all news and memes. not just randomly appearing from nowhere.Things so horrible as what we witness online never really appear from nowhere. not just bad, not just annoying. It's not just slop being churned out but the tip of an iceberg. some tiny seed of strangeness floating to the surface out of the most unfathomably vast, deep and dark abyss of the ocean. like something ungodly washed ashore. The real nightmare is knowing what hasn't washed ashore yet. wherever this is coming from, it's out there, in our world.
try to look beneath the surface, what world do you see?
6/7 for everything in my life, the answer is pretty simple. it went wrong because of me
6/7 in my 4/13 entry on the main writings page, i talked about how profound experiences aren't really real anymore, at least to the exent of them being flattened out and dragged down to being commodities, expiring and being thrown away. I recently went on a road trip with friends to some of the most beautiful nature i've ever seen. it was sublime if anything was. but I still know on a level, all the beauty i saw doesnt negate how i feel about the world ultimately. It was a brief escape to nature, to the "real world", if the real world is what you'd call something you can only experience for a special weekend. What I saw simply isnt part of any life that can be lived. all that nature can *only* be experienced as a detour to consume. It's not part of the way of life (not anymore at least). You can, through either sacrificing enough money or enough life, make that "real world" the world of your "lifestyle". If you're wealthy enough you can buy a lonely house in nature as a great luxury, or you can sacrifice life by making a "lifestyle" out of camping in an RV. But the point is that either way you can see it takes such an effort to convince youself that it's a lifestyle, such an exertion, so much resistance, it's so clearly against the way the world now works. The real world is starkly antithetical to how you are "supposed" to exist. To work a normal job, have a normal social life, start a family, anything a normal person should be expected to do, goes against this "real world" which used to be possible, this "lyfestyle" that was normal. In order to feel that world, even if you have the means, you can't ever experience it as anything more than a commodity. The thing no amount of money can ever afford is to stop something from being a commodity. (you'll always need to buy things in any life, but only now do you need to "buy" a "lifestyle" itself) When that borrowed time and money runs out, you'll see in hindsight just how much of a commodity it was. The "real world" will fade, and it will expire as you return to the other "real world".
I'm seeing the news now about the fires that have been occuring. It's all taking me back to everything I felt before.
The fucking sky can actually turn dark orange red and smoke can burn you lungs for a week and it's all just subsumed into the cycle of trends. it just dematerialized into the algorithm. it's something to consume in the news. it's a fuel for memes. The actual fucking sky can turn dark for a week because of fire and instead of being a collective existential crisis it's just something to gawk at. It's something to forget about. The thought of that makes me hate people. it's the ultimate proof that there is nothing you can possibly do to get people to care anymore.
that I can't communicate something so blindingly simple and massive makes me feel completely alone in the world.
6/6 i'm just not of this world. not like angelic but just out of place, uncanny, alien. either that or i'm all-too of this world
its reassuring in a way to know none of this matters. one day the cycle of history will come around again. one day nature will take it's course. one day every stupid thing i ever read and heard will be forgotten by time
#i was so stuck feeling like the internet was a spiral downwards into dystopia#but now i feel like it's all going to collapse under it's own weight. all will come to pass
leftists alwasys make the biggest principle of being sincerely nice to me, but when i say something important, it always seems that only right wingers understand
i really dont relate to or feel pride in, or trust any part of the community anymore. I no longer appreciate any part of what is quintessential to the culture, and i no longer find anything in it that i want to be associated with.
when youre drawn to dream about something, it's often the dream, not the thing itself you want to consume or subsume
feel like a prisoner anywhere i go
you have a word for everything. you think that having the word for it means you know it better. you just have a word for it. It lets you skip the process of understanding whenever you have to try describing something. you're so clever as to replace all the words in a book with the singular word of the genre. you are un-understanding things. you are un-learning and un-knowing
a year... a long, long, lonely year, in which i have nothing to remember. my fondest memory was the very beginning, when nothing had happened yet. when i still had hope. I reclined in my room, in the dark, listening to trance music. on my computer late into the night. waking dreams about what i wished it would all be. dreaming of imaginary college experience. for a brief suspended moment, that nostalgic trance was reality
I feel so existencially depressed with not living in real world, and I feel jealous of people but realise that with their success or balance or fortune in life they still end up not living in the real world either, just affording better fictions, better comfort to expereince a fake world from. A better life in any way definitely, but still exploited as consumers, brains melted so someone can soak up their money and wick away their soul, not just the rich kids, not jus tthe wealthy, but any hard working person who succeeds, life becomes nothing to them either, even when it seems they have the power to live differently. it makes it hard for me to hope or aspire. above me i only see i will be endlessly trapped by the same things, trapped within these same cultures of shallow and vapid consumption of fake reality. Whatever i want to have, how i want to live, what i want to experience, whoever i want to become, i will still be surrounded by this, in the people around me, in media, in the economics and politics, this is the world. It will always swallow my thoughts even when my life changes externally. if i ever i think i have that grounded reality i want, someone or something is going to be behind my back, swaping my glass, switching out my drip-feed, slipping that facade into my bloodstreem anywhere and anytime i stop paying attention, any time i look away, or dont scrutinize something hard enough, that fiction and facade and consumption, shallowness, vapidness, will slip back into my life. life is just fictional.
6/5 you dont choose yourself as a person within a strata of your own, you assume there exists a world, and then choose yourself within it. The person you might really want to be may not exist in your world.
the obvious examples of worlds being something like the world of the phyiscal location you exist in, the world of the generation you exist in, or the world of the social media, and internet subculture you exist in. All worlds of their own social circle, worldview, aesthetics, mythos. Even in wanting to be a person from outside this world, you will find yourself yearning twoards that personality, that identity, distinctly as someone /not/ from it's world.
what really bothers me is seeing, mostly on social media, that however much anyone ever tries to reach for embodying some imagined version of themselves or for some worldview or some expereince that is individuated from those around them, they only ever have it in the language and aesthetics of their world.
Like someone on twitter sruggling to capture in words something I know to be culturally gored beyond revival in the spheres of socialization of twitter. Someone wishing, while still remaining ignorant of their world, that they could be shown more of or be able to appreciate things which require longer format than twitter allows, or wishes for twitter to market them the atmosphere and personality of an old internet which was destroyed by twitter, which is mutually exclusive with twitter.
(Another very specific example that bothers me is tiktok's hand in steering horror content. The whole brand is completely antithetical to any sense of atmosphere, authenticity and believability, or long-form entertainment to draw in suspense, and generally anything else you could say makes horror good. Yet somehow tiktok has become a hub for filtering and dispersing vast swaths of the horror content now created on the internet, all the while it scoops up the would-be fanbases of horror, and drains them of good taste. The content gets worse, and as the tiktok audience notices, they ask eachother where all the good content went, they ask why they cant find anything that feels the same. They want tiktok to "go back" to a style of content it never created in the first place, to go back to an atmosphere which tiktok had never cultivated. They simply expect it to be possible if they find the right way to do it. They cant see tiktok as mutually exclusive to what they want, or that to change the site to be good for horror content [any content actually] would be like the ship of theseus, it wouldnt *be* tiktok anymore. Unable to see the world that they are in, unable to stop projecting their assumptions about this in-world to the outside world, they search elsewhere for the good content, only their "elsewhere" is simply some other part of tiktok. They are simply drawn to new trends while kept running in place.)
I should stop focusing my writings on social media so much, my point is that these things are universal, and the worlds restrict individuation within any culture or subculture or social circle
> i do see this even when learning about cultural movements from past decades and centuries, people feeling trapped in a certain zeitgeist and wishing for a revolution in (or escape from) aesthetics and mythos etc. because there is some cloudy idea they are striving to experience or exress more clearly
What bothers me is the knowledge that I am in the very same position, and i can't have the outside knowledge to know where to turn next, I'm not even guarenteed that there even is any mental/cultural world to flee to, or if I will only ever find new cultural spheres where i can keep running in place while i think i'm searching for what is actually good. For the internet, more than the tangable world, I'm sure this is increasingly, objectively true. That is what the algorithms are for, after all.
6/3 A photograph without any people in it can feel monumental to me in the way that an ancient megastructure would, in the sense that it's so vast in time that you could never traverse across it. In a photo, you can never look just around the corner at the end of the hall. You can never peek into the closed doors. That captured moment is impossibly vast, and everyhting just out of sight is infinitely far away. It might as well be the night sky in the infinite distance.
That sense of insurmountable frozenness makes it feel physically big even when you know it's not. It's kind of like how in your childhood memories everything feels massive, even though you've physically grown since then it all feels so massive still because time is frozen.
As a kid not only were you physically small within the world around you, but time also felt longer and that made everything feel even bigger in you mind. When a day used to feel like a week, the other side of the house used to feel like a town in the distance, like the treeline in the woods.
The world seemed to have a thick fog, you could feel the weight of everything unseen, beyond it. With a weak object permanence, the world out of view felt massive, and you would only ever see a small place in it, in just the same way that world out of frame in a photo feels massive.
(6/6 addition) With the development of object permanance you become smart enough to extrapolate how the entire world exists around you. The world becomes small as you are convinced you can see it. But in this higher consciousness you are ignorant enough to never see that the fog still remains. You become ignorant enough to assume you can see the world beyond what you actually see. Beyond that eternal fog, which you forgot was ever there -that fog which you forgot how to see- the world remains massive.
6/2
i think sounding almost insane is necessary for my writing to actually interest people. -Which isnt to say that manic, feverish emotions dont come naturally, but that playing down the seeming insanity would actually be inacurate to the reality of what i'm trying to explain to people. it's the sort of thing you already hear about a lot of artists and philosophers. anyway i guess the point is i'm not completely schizophrenic even if i sometimes write that way.
6/1
in high school i really thought about graduation like.. if i make it though the year thats literally the end of life as i know it. might as well be roll credits. I knew there was going to be more to life but it felt like such an overwhelming task to graduate and i was so worried about all the high school experiences i was missing out on and simultaneously existencially afraid of my life just evaporating into nothingness if i messed up that it made it feel like graduating was basically the end of everything. i thought that if i made it, i literally couldnt imagine life afterwards. it just felt like the curtain was going to fall on everything. The graduation ceremony itself broke through that feeling somewhat but it only really morphed my weird feelings about the end of everything. All the marching and uniforms and parading music made me feel like I was a soldier being sent off to war in an old-fashoned way. I said bye to everyone i knew, having no idea if i'd ever see them again, having no idea what i was up against in my very immediate future. I was going to go far away for a long time.
6/1 sometimes i wonder, do i just care about the internet too much? it's grip seems so inescapable everwhere i go, it's inescapable at least to me, and it's truly done horrible things to society, but i get glimpses of the life im not capable of, and it seems like, a good number of people only needed slightly different life conditions to completely avoid it, to turn out fine. just like with every other borderline apocalyptic disaster of technology, a lot of people live basically uninterrupted. what person /really/ lives their everyday life caring about microplastics in their blood?
5/31 the internet used to take effort, you had to care about something if you wanted to experience it, that made it all feel meaningful. You actually had to find webpages and then read through them.
It's easier to have the internet fed to you, just let the short form content be compressed into attention slop so it can be algorithmically streamed to you. You won't enjoy it like this, but you'll be addicted anyway.
5/27
I’ve very slowly come to the realization of how I have almost nothing in common with 99% of the people around me.
look at all the stupid shit people say on the internet. When does anyone drop the bit? Never, they’re all just actually like this.
Yeah almost everyone is self aware, but if they’re literally incapable of being any other way except for acting like this on the internet, does it really make a difference?
Everything that the internet would make you think is trans culture seems like the type of thing I would make up if I was trying to psyop trans people into having the worst lives possible
5/26 I'm constantly mourning the loss of something so nameless and vauge and obscure and easily forgotten and thoroughly erased from existence that i have to fight to even prove to myself and others that it once existed. It's an uphill struggle to reveal even a hint of what was lost. This cluster of emotions, some experience, some idea, some all encompassing worldview on its own, some entire way of being, that's gone forever. It's a time and a place that no longer exists. It's a person who can no longer exist, a kind of person who can no longer even be *imagined*. All of these things are so lost that they can't even be imagined.
5/23 I would write a lot more about other philosphy but unfortunately I'm in a perfect position to write about some very specific things. to be fair the internet is just the most recent and most powerful technological branch of the eternal forces in human civilization.
i mean i would rather be talking about the most eternal and enduring philosophy. history. mythos. religion. permanent universal conflicts and human nature, art, and culture and anything else like that. But before i can do that my main goal is that i just have to save anyone i can from social media
i've decided the better way to describe it is that when i'm writing i have something like maslow's heirarchy of needs where i wish i could be explaining ideas at the top but the base of the pyramid is just trying save absolutely anyone i can from the new age of internet which is so bad its almost apocalyptically damaging to the collective psyche.
(6/5 addition) >without that, nothing else i write would even matter, it wouldnt even be understood
5/22
somehow the world being beautiful and the world being apocalyptic aren’t different to me
the average person will never be able to experience a beautiful world, because a beautiful world is one where most of us don’t exist.
I don’t know what side we are but I know we lost the war a long time ago.
the race to have the most special personality has vastly far surpassed the ability of anyone on the internet to actually grow as a person.
(later addition) everyone forces themselves to unnaturally mutate their personality just to stand out, but they arent even capable of changing as a person that fast, so they all end up with a persona that is completely imaginary. something to do with jungian persona and ego.
these tectonic emotions. these ancient monuments.... these things that stand still but are so massive they exert a gravity on everything around them... you can feel the weight. it all illuminates this ancient feeling.
some things make you feel the weight of a journey you didn't know you were on. like how the sunset makes you feel.
theres this sort of energy that arises from life when youre not expecting it. it makes things feel like nostalgia but in a way that's not like looking back at your life but being illuminated with something ancient which never ended
5/19
when we search for higher meaning or greater complexity we really only want abstraction of the lower forms of meaning.
we create art and philosophy for greater meaning than what life simply is, but all that’s depicted in art and philosophy is life, just abstracted or captured somehow. The original, that is lower, forms of meaning.
we choose, instead of indulging in lower meaning on our own, (ranging from seeking stability to seeking hedonism) to fight for a better world, which is to say…. an abstracted future where stability and hedonism can be afforded. The goal of higher meaning is only to end up serving lower meaning somehow. Meanwhile in the higher meanings centered on valuing asceticism, we choose to find or create nothing. All creations and other cultural artifacts of higher meanings would lead to, in the future, the opposite of what asceticism wants to achieve.
in the ways which don’t matter as much, we only create our complexity of culture by abstracting the same simple reality. Our sports and games and stories, all entertainment that could be seen as a more complex invention is just the abstraction of the lower world, we play sport and games and consume stories as an abstraction of life on its own.
if you removed all of these abstractions from life, what would be left as purely it’s own?
If instead of appreciating any art as representation of life you only tried to appreciate the reality it abstracts, if instead of playing sports you only experienced the natural athletic and competitive realities it abstracts, if instead of watching a movie about something, watching a show, reading a book, you lived with only the reality they depict itself.
The internet is obviously one of the greatest of all abstractions. It serves purely to abstract, it’s entire purpose is to distribute a feed of real life, I’m sure I’ve complained enough about the internet that I don’t need to elaborate any points on it here.
so when we fill our time with a great variety of different things,, when we discover these many different inventions of culture, we are only really consuming the same few expressions of reality. At its core, almost everything in life can start to feel the same. That’s because, in nature, all is the same, before culture develops all things are the same. Over time we create an image of a world with this vast variety and complexity, to such an extent where it becomes reality.
Additionally, much of these abstractions are of a search for conflict. When you have nothing else you need to do for a moment in life ( includes our need to rest) why sit in peace? Why do nothing when you could create an abstraction of conflict with another person by playing chess? Or on your own by watching a movie about fictional conflict. Why not watch the news for an abstraction of the real conflict we miss in our life?
Even when not creating conflict, we are finding enjoyment in the drawing out and abstraction of what would have been pure necessity in natural world, or is more hedonistically-driven. Rather than consuming food without any greater thought, we could enjoy cooking and baking and shopping for ingredients and equipment. We take the reality from basic nature of needing to eat, and draw it out culturally, we draw it out into its abstractions within complex society. We make it into a wide variety of different things, eventually even going as far as to not eat at all but simply watch cooking videos or read cooking magazines. All these things which we can see as different potential entertainment or different places to strive for things like wholesomeness or higher enjoyment (i.e. “cultured” or “higher culture”) , within the great variety of life, are all the same. The same is true for absolutely everything, everything in the world is exactly the same.
Even when we make friends, it’s not them physically or spiritually or in any other way that makes us connected, it’s not what we can take interest in. We connect over the outside world. When we empathize with people we only extend ourselves, we experience more of the world through them and think differently through them. But at the core there is nothing that isn’t a reflection of the outside world or a reflection of ourselves. And the same is true as anyone else looks through you. Unless we continually abstract and complicate we are simply transparent within the world around us. But in this self differentiation we create conflict. As we become individuals, as we create ourselves, we are by the definition of the word individual, creating barriers and boundaries where the world does not pass through us. This general idea is starting to approach a lot of the things already said by Schopenhauer and Nietzsche and Jung and Freud and I’m sure many many more about individuals. I cant include everything they say in my entry. The point is that it all fits into the other ideas I’ve outlined.
Speaking of them, I want to go back to what i said earlier. Schopenhauer’s “world as will and representation" already says pretty well how the whole world goes back to the same thing, and is just complications and divisions of the same thing. That existence is made of the will (the will to existence) and within consciousness the world is made as representation, how we can perceive all of it. If you read into it more it does fit very well with how everything in life is the same. Nietzsche also talks about the will and how it appears in everything, within culture and art. Nietzsche especially talks about how things within culture are just abstractions of the will and expresses the will abstractly; like sports expressing fighting for resources, and collective identity, war and imperialism or tribes or races replaced in an abstract form within a civilized society. Both him and shoppenhauer say that music is the highest form of art because it doesn’t try to represent anything about the world the way any other art like painting or literature or sculpture does (Music does not need to abstract anything). Instead, both philosophers say that music is the only art which instead is a direct expression of the will itself.(check out "The Birth of Tragedy Out of the Spirit of Music" in particular, nietzsche' second work, so a lot of his later ideas are missing, but interesting still)
Concerning what lays outside of the abstractions, both write on the concept of the sublime, which is inherently hard to describe but is essentially just a pure experience of the world. the sublime is fulfilling but is not part of anything else, it is not an abstraction of culture, it is something which can exist outside of conflict or basic need. its generally described in the appreciation of nature, and generally described int the sense of the literal physical landscape itself, but it applies to far more.
I know the continental psychoanalysts talk more about things similar to all these ideas too, but I don’t know as much about them so I can’t say yet.
5/17 Myth should be the childhood to philosophy.
When myths that reflect a deeper reality make up our calling to the past, we are driven to our philosophies, they have an important spiritual and cultural meaning ascribed to them, which allows philosophy to serve us as we live, in the form of our emotions.
When myth is not the childhood of philosophy, it becomes the endpoint we strive to in a search for values and culture and spiritual meaning. We will journey no further than the beginning, the moment of wonder. When we go no further we find no more answers, the mythos seems great enough to dictate everything, we feel too impressed by the novelty of spiritual feeling to care that it lacks clear meaning and truths, too impressed to even think that there should be truth in something so mysterious. It’s only the shadow of philosophy, which is not to say it’s false; it’s the intuitive and emotional heart of monumental truths which we will spend our lives trying to fully understand. We simply cannot begin to digest the entirety of truth without illuminating it with wonder.
Without any mythos we never feel this striving to begin with.
The myth is not to be outgrown but to be harkened back to, to inspire wonder. When we remember our past, our roots, our primal development of human emotion, the inspiration is waiting for us.
The childhood (as a body of emotion to draw from) remains inside the individual, as a potential for something we might describe as spirituality.
myth is not to replace reality, we are to realize that reality has been mythical all along.
i think i had seen a quote by someone about how we think ancient people told literal stories which we are now smart enough to read symbolically, when in reality they wrote symbolism which we are ignorant enough to try to read literally
>of course ancient cultures always succumbed quickly to their own fantasy and its even true that the fantasy eventually became a *greater* portion of all their generations' lived experiences(and ultimately a greater portion of the culture's legacy) than the symbolism, but the same can be said of all that is modern.
Now that you know, watch for yourself in real time as every new thing in our world does the same. All becomes fantasy and simulacrum of itself until that's all that's left of it's legacy. The fantasy becomes the legacy, the mythical reality does not.
I am also reminded of ernst junger's quote “Myth is not prehistory; it is timeless reality, which repeats itself in history.”
(6/5 addition) i should clarify, if it was not already clear enough, that I'm not referring to "myths" in the use of the word to just describe fables and small stories which a society is known for, but to the greater "mythos" that makes up the foundation of how a society views it's world. Like how people talk about the "American mythos". The American mythos in particular is a good reference for what i want to describe, because it's built and interpreted in the context of a nation that is almost entirely created after the industrial revolution, as opposed to the very ancient mythos of the old world. The whole world, not just America now has a new mythos, but only America, lacking that ancient backdrop, can have it's industrial and post-industrial mythos seen so clearly. The important thing to me is that in modern society, the timeless themes will continue to appear as they always have, only in new cultural languages.
5/15
feeling upset and unsatasfied and frustrated when you use the internet is not an inherently bad thing. it's like getting a fever when you're infected. your brain in trying to fight back, once you're self aware you have a chance to listen to it.
the thing about true observations is that if theyre actually true then different people will notice them again and again. i wouldnt say im even on the fence about gnosticism as much as it's just right about the same observations made by greeks, jainists, bhuddists, the veda scriptures, schoppenhauer, nietzsche etc etc. theres a lot of myth involved but the stuff thats true just keeps reappearing. once you notice it it gets super simple
i think that all of the ancient texts just started out as people being as real as possible but using methaphors or poetic description, which is eventually diluted as it's reinterprited as myth. Honestly even all our modern truths are in the process of being turned into myths once you start to think about it.
5/14 we often remember things more for how they differ than for how they advanced or contributed something that was so positively infuential we now take it for granted, so much so that we almost feel it's good qualities never really appear anywhere around us and have no origin, and we eventually lose these good articats of culture because we no longer belive they exist, as they are contined behind barriers, the barriers are where we only see something for how it has lost it's course, we belive there never was a course in the first place. The example that just reminded me to write this down was how tumblr contributed almost everything good about the modern internet, but it is only remebered for how those smallbubbles of good and foreseeing culture ina seaofnormiseventually fell from grace, tothepointwheretubmleisnolongerviewded,inhindsigh,asevergoodatall,it'sgoodtraitsarecompletelyreas sinedtowheretheyreappeardelsewhere,whiletheoriginisonlyrememberedforwhereitwentwrong.
my space bar is broken i will have to edit this back later
5/14If the character you like so much was a real person they would not be on the internet faking their personality using fictional characters
Trans girls don’t know this but there’s actually more to being a woman than wanting attention
I get the general leftist position of being nice to people by default, but If someone invented a science-y sounding word for a diagnosis or condition that literally just meant like “being a bad person disorder” there would be people defending it as a group
bitches on twitter thinking they’re so special. In a very short time you’re going to realize your special little internet circle is a modern equivalent to shit like superwholock. You need to calm down right now. If you ruin something actually good in the process I’m going to be so fucking mad about it
I wish it was possible to explain anything on the internet but it’s unfortunately true that the best thing you can do is not care. Nobody is ever going to improve because you said something to them online
...Mutter ich bin dumm...........
5/13 two simple joys
1 .closing the window for peace and quiet away from the busy world
2.opening the window for the company of lively sounds
the type of emotions you are capable of feeling determines above all other factors what your ideological/philisophical worldview can be. most people aren't aware that they have their own spectrum of emotions, they only imagine that there exists *a* spectrum of emotions
i think the theoretical happiest person to ever live would definetly have already lived and died by now. to put it simply, the happiest life you can hope for in the world is getting worse, and thats true despite whatever the average is
I dont think I've communicated a specific emotion I felt to anyone else ever. statistically I'm sure that some random person in the world has shared a specific emotion with me, but i doubt it's ever happened within people i actually know.......and when the world i felt those emotions in is gone, those emotions and experiences will never be felt by anyone again.
>like tears, in rain.....
a lot of youtube videos are knowingly getting made worse because creators know youre either a kid or you're watching it in a different tab or cant find a better video, things like that, for one reason or another you've let go of standards, they know users dont like youtube already and are constantly caring less because it takes too much effort to change anything or find anything good
after lots of uncovering old rage comics I’m remembering that they didn’t simply go out of style like other trends but became cringe because girls started using them so quickly that guys wanted to avoid them, and at the time every girl on the internet was completely associated with quirky xd random humor and as a result whatever they liked went out of style (still kind of true in a certain way, but if you remember the 2000's you know it was very different. a lot of that difference is because the internet was not a place where everyone was, but a place with a specific few demographics/archetypes, and none of those archetypes really exist anymore, so the social dynamics arent really the same)
(theres this very recent meme of "i heard the boys are bringing back rage comics","why, they suck?" made to look like an old rage comic)
>This meme is both historical revisionism and history repeating itself
5/12 I wish I was happy as a kid. I think my experience as a child did irreversibly damage my mind
5/11 the idea that special stuff is gonna make you happy is such a lie. normal life is underrated. It’s the best way to live and you don’t even know it. You realize once you try to be different or do anything different. Any great aspirations or novel spoils just make you less happy and you start to suffer
The happiest people you know are normal and unexceptional in basically any way that matters. There’s no special secret thing they have in life. They dont worry about anything special at all. Anyone you know who’s exceptional in some way is not happy because of it
#I don’t actually care about special great achievements or pursuing skills that make me stand out I don’t care about attention#I don’t care about getting special luxuries or special technology that’s going to change my life#Even where I’m insecure I don’t want to be extremely attractive and fought over and loved superficially#Nothing that seems so special is actually good#I just want to live normally and do normal fun things and have normal friends who care about me#All I want is normalcy to protect me from the suffering. Going any further isn’t necessary#When I’m thinking of how horribly I’ve ruined my life and how much I hurt as a kid#i dont want anything special and nothing special would have made me happy either then- or now looking back on my memories#the only thing I want is to go back so I could do it normally. Not to do it special at all. Not to be more popular or an academic genius#Or anything. all I want is to go back so I can live normally#All I ever wanted was normal life
i remember as a kid i was so excited for my parents to buy me minecraft that i made a collection of drawings of things i wanted to make first. and even after i got the game sometimes i would see something random and just get excited about wanting to build it in minecraft. i wasnt very good at it but the point is i got excited.
#damn i miss looking forward to things
5/10 it should be illegal for annoyning people to talk about things that are actually good
Oh you’re enjoying something normal and simple because it’s actually good and you’re experiencing childlike wonder? Heheh…..apologies my friend, it’s just that, a normie like yourself wouldn’t understand my many layers of irony poisoning and esoteric insider knowledge. Ever heard of a website called “twitter”? It’s part of the deep web, you probably haven’t heard of it.
5/9 its likely that nobody ever again is going to experience getting a family computer and inviting a friend over to browse the internet together for the first time
my keycard no longer works. I am technically homeless
being on the internet used to mean something. You used to be a part of something. No matter how bad it got it was still like a community. Sometimes a bad community but always a community. There was a real social experience. And not only with anonymous people but also with people you knew in real life, you shared the experience with your friends. All technology used to mean something. It meant something as a person.
*looking back at happy memory which is no longer possible for anyone in a new generation to experience because there has been a material change in the way the world works* haha well you know how it is with nostalgia. Things always felt this bad.
#It’s not enough to say it always felt this way#How do you account for new things that make life harder we never experienced before and the good things we literally cannotexperience again#It’s not just that we’re doing the same thing and feeling bad. We’re not doing the same things. We changed life#but people don’t notice what’s actually changing. They only notice that they feel different.#Nostalgia only counts as bias if you’re doing the same things and feeling different#If a good thing is erased from the world I think it’s fair to call that sadness more than nostalgia#It is still nostalgic yes. But nostalgia is not a complete hallucination. it’s just rose tinted sense of wonder#Beyond that nostalgia is the very real fact that the world truly is descending into dystopia
out of everyone I see on the internet it seems like people will post on the internet for years without ever actually saying anything.
#And without ever really connecting with anyone or having a single meaningful experience
look at what the modern world has created. These things are slightly not human. There’s something missing now.
#‘’iPad babies’’ have been around far longer than the actual iPad. I think post-industrial society has been absent of real humans for a while
The type of people who watch anime and the type of people who use Snapchat are like two opposites but both are equally being drained of humanity. And as a college student it’s a requirement to choose one of these things in order to make a friend group.
#Not to oversimplify but being drained of humanity is inescapable#Any alternative comes with something which is equivalently horrible
i’m so malnourished my metabolism keeps malfunctioning. I’ll think I can stay awake but then instantly my body gets cold and I start shivering and pressure builds up in my head and I basically have to sleep before I pass out randomly.
#My body is randomly failing so much#The feeling of getting cold is so noticeable it’s shoking#It literally forces me to wear a blanket and then it’s impossible to stay awake
wish I applied for a different major. I could’ve been writing novels or writing about history or some actual real philosophy but I’m just wasting my talent on hyper-analytic bitching about the internet. I’m so sick of wasting my thoughts. I only have a finite amount of thinking I can do in my life, and I’m spending it all on social media. I could use those thoughts on experiencing the beauty of nature or talking to a close friend or something. But that’s not my life
if you actually try to use the internet in a way that’s good you’ll find it’s an extremely uphill battle nonstop and you’ll start to realize how bad it really was when you used it without thinking
I feel genuine love for the plant in my windowsill. Genuinely emotionally connected to it like if I had a pet.
#Something so sweet an innocent about it it just grows#Green is such a beautiful color#I didn’t get it at first but now I get why people are like that about kind of personifying plants they grow#It doesn’t know or care about all the bullshit in the world it’s just a plant.#I can always log off and stop looking at news and shit and remember that at least plants are eternally innocent.#Touching grass is so real and it helps with that
When I look at people who are happy I know i am a totally different species
I wish the gay/trans demographic was actually organized like conservatives think it is. I would completely rebrand and also fire a lot of people. I would create some standards
I need surgery. Remove everything. No more body #I’m done with this#I’m too young for rotting skin
I think my family must be dysgenic I’m so fucking tired of discovering I have the worst genetics.
I wish I that one day I would discover I’m adopted. Or that I could rationalize that my mom was drinking while pregnant or something. But the sad truth is that I’m very obviously just the child of my parents and no outside force is needed to explain how bad that is. There was simply no such thing as a better outcome
I think my family must be dysgenic I’m so fucking tired of discovering I have the worst genetics
in middle school everyone got stupid and annoying as soon as they hit puberty and in hindsight the majority of people never actually outgrew that.
to say the internet is bad is an understatement. It’s literally unusable
Here’s the thing about the shock content on the old web too; it’s better to risk having your experience ruined than for it to never be good in the first place. I mean be honest you’re not online because you have a sense of wonder anymore. The internet is mandatory to be part of the world now. The fact it’s mandatory means that nobody can protest against it getting worse anymore, you can’t boycott the entire internet. You can’t go outside and never look back without loosing your touch with people. Once the internet is mandatory and ubiquitous it’s free to spiral downwards further than you can ever imagine, because there’s nothing you can do about it. Before the internet, people already knew the same thing about the mainstream, or about economic hegemony destroying culture.
Is it reactionary to say that bad things have lasting effects and time moves linearly?
I don’t want to call myself a philosopher. It makes it feel like I’m applying for a competition. I’m just a person feeling a lot
I don’t think my parents realize that I don’t live in the world they’re hoping I live in. Especially not the world they live in. I can’t just live the way they want me to live. I can’t live the way I want to. Those worlds just don’t exist. My parents want me to make the right friends and the right memories, but those things just don’t exist anymore. the world they want to shield me from, it’s the only world that’s left. It’s the whole future.
5/8 Not a fascist but I believe in their beliefs I lovr men
People will literally say “humans are inherently evil” but they’ve never lived outside an American city
I’m sure there’s a lot of nuanced reasons why the Scandinavian and Central European nations are so much better than France, Britain, and a lot of Eastern Europe, but I think you could basically trace it all back to the absolute love of nature above all things within the continentals, meanwhile the French and British were in a self destructive competition over who could industrialize the fastest, and offered very little substance in culture, which was almost completely subservient to the economy. They ended up with shitty ugly cities and factories and shitty consumerist culture and shit-brained people overall
#As for Eastern Europe#you can’t really blame them but they were fucked over in the same self-destructive industrial competition#It’s no surprise that America was created from the worst of the brits who were slightly more religious and money hungry than the aussies
maybe instead of being autistic about some badly made show or weird music or internet bullshit you should be autistic about the beauty of nature and grand landscapes and the quiet forests and mysterious animals living peaceful lives and the rivers and lakes and snow capped mountains. Also what fucking dystopian ass world won’t let you have internet images for free when they’re literally taken decades ago
The average person who is obsessed with recapturing the feeling of the old web played the biggest role in destroying it while they were actually there
#Lain avatars who only use twitter and other People who give off that vibe#They literally need to shut the fuck up#I want it to be like that again too. What’s wrong with you. Absolutely no self awareness. Your brain is nothing but posts
Somehow, the time after 9/11 and the time during the 2008 recession represents the peak of American society. There are very few ways in which life actually got better in the past ten years, if any at all
#2002 to 2013 was the absolute peak in culture at least as far as an internet user is concerned.#Anything good that’s been made since then is just an attempt to imitate or recapture it#But people are too retarded to bring it back#They make it like a fucking trend like oh let’s bring back old internet!#By making it a trend you’re literally dooming it from the beginning to fail because that’s such a fucking new web thing to do#You’re just fucking consumers#bringing back old internet by making it a trend is like trying to pass a bill called the “destroy the government” bill.#like bro are you fucking retarded are you that much of a fucking consumer peabrain ipadbaby shitwit#Twitter is not gonna just up and start being the old web. You can’t just post old web aesthetics you need to change the internet#You need to use it fucking differently you need to change as a person are you seriously so dense you don’t realize that?
it feels like forever that I’ve been eating cafeteria food. I can’t wait to eat some real fresh food with expensive ingredients like mozzarella and fresh basil. I don’t think any of the cafeteria food even contains garlic which is fucked up
whys is it always some BPD schizophrenic Stockholm syndrome Green text shit
trans girls are never like happy about the idea of getting flowers or going on a picnic. Its always gotta be some weird shit you’d see in a greentext
actually it’s almost all girls that use the internet who are like this. There’s some fucking BPD epidemic. It’s just that the few who happen not to be online at all are cis because they can make friends easily
#Trans culture went wrong somewhere dont any of you wish you could be at peace?
If you have to rely on the internet to find friends in the same demographic as you then your whole community is doomed. How is a bright eyed young trans girl supposed to escape the meat grinder of social media.
It’s obvious that history isn’t a story about how good always wins. Out of all the wars fought in history, out of all the ideologies and cultures, there was something better, out of all those seemingly horrific enemies, someone was right. Likely many were. At some point there was a fight for the fate of everything, not just a fight but an age of fighting, a conflict of a generation, and it looked the same as every other time in history that people were so self-centered as to think they were fighting the most important fight, that they were on the brink of history's end, but this time it was true. A last chance to save the world before all hope was gone. And that battle was lost.
something archaic, something barbaric or something foreign. Something we can only see as pseudoscience or myth. Something fanatical or zealous from our perspective. Something we can no longer see as sane, was right. Something good was lost forever. Perhaps a thousand times over in history, good did not prevail.
We live in a world that is the culmination of a long history where good does not always win, and doesn’t even win most of the time. We live in a world where much that is lost is lost forever. To these lost worlds people called home, this moment now is the real post-apocalypse, it is their real dystopia.
6/29 I hate acceptance I don’t want pride I hate the men I’m attracted to and I hate the things they want to do to me. I hate that I’m even tempted. I want real love I want a body I feel comfortable in. What I hate even more is that they will stop wanting the things I hate. It’s all so disgusting
#I deserve better than what I ‘want’. but pride and acceptance says it doesn’t matter
4/11
I think the hardest part about committing suicide is knowing that when people inevitably remember you for your life, they’re remembering everything you tried to get rid of. I didn’t like the person I was, thats why I want to die.
The hardest part is that I don’t want to die on bad terms with people, I don’t want to die at an embarrassing time, I don’t want to die when I have so much to be ashamed of, and so many problems that I’m going to leave behind. -But I know that if If there ever was a good time to die, if I could erase all these things that I hate about myself, then I wouldn’t want to kill myself in the first place.
There’s truly some inescapable shame in suicide. That’s the hardest part about it. I wish I could die in peace, but if i was at peace I wouldn’t need to die.
My life is bad in ways that were always beyond my control. I was doomed from to start to live a life I hated, one that I wouldn’t even feel dignified dying in. Doomed from the start from when and where I lived. From who my parents are and who I was. Doomed to be a person I hated
3/10
Maybe it’s just that in a greater sense I’m worried about cultural entropy. Without anything really truly new, culture just becomes the same things, copied, buried, written over, etc. just add more layers of irony, just be subversive of something, just make more of the same thing. Eventually the earnest original emotion is just gone from everything.
I like when I find really old blogs that actually have a good sample of a variety of internet culture. usually to 2007-2012.
People only remember the internet for what was the .1% most viral content. but that isn’t actually what it was like most of the time, unless you were really annoying and had zero taste exept for the biggest bandwagon.
Imagine if someone assumed what the internet was like for you now, using only the most popular viral content.
Anyway, it’s just amazing how much content was just, not extremely artificially processed and curated. Not every image needed a caption to explain what was interesting, you don’t need narration for every video.
The very idea of seeing a stream of content that included literally everything was enough. Aesthetic photos included a lot of regular stuff. A lot of posts were regular art, posted as it was, no special grouping of aesthetics. There didn’t need to be a gimmick to everything to get attention.
Absolutely insane to see so clearly the change that has occurred in a geneation of internet usage
6/7
I feel a constant disgust; not festering but sharp and loud, like the disgust you feel when hearing nails on a chalkboard. Drawn out infinitely. Like everywhere I look the sun is burning into my eyes. burning and scratching into my mind and scraping my senses away.
I was raised to be an adult, but I was never raised to be a kid. I couldn’t grow up if I had never been a child in the first place. I missed out on my whole childhood, on all that socialization. I missed out on memories, all because my parents thought it could go wrong, they didn’t want it to go any way at all.
my sister had gone too out of their control so they wanted to keep me closer. But then they wondered why I wouldn’t turn out more independent. The price of healthy socialization for our generation (ESPECIALLY in an affluent town next to silicon valley) was that we succumb to consumerism and the mainstream culture and technology our parents feared so much. Parents are right to fear all these things, the dangers shouldnt be accepted, there is simply no choice anymore but to take the risk.
maybe raising us somewhere different entirely would have helped, but what place has ever saved a generation anyway?
my parents wanted to raise me in a place where i could succeed, a place with opportunity, rasing me in the rural world would have simply denied me every opportunity in life, which is not something any parents want. Not only that, but my parents would be denying themseves of every opportunity to succeed too. Ambition is simply not somthing parents can give up to afford a small posibility of slightly more comfort and sanity working menial jobs in the middle of nowhere.
I've been angry for as long as I can remember, before I even knew why, that my parents so confidently thougt they could outsmart childhood itself. I'm angry that my parents decided to raise me in an extremely affluent suburb right outside silicon valley- and thought that somehow because of their good parenting alone they would not need to account for that. -I guess that wasn't their original plan, they became much more hesitant and suffocating because they lost control over my older sister (which was not really so unusual for anyone her age... I wish they realized that sooner).
But they never thought about what people were like there, *especially* the other kids who were raised there, who were incapable of knowing different.
My parents didnt want "bad" influences, but they would never accept being told that those were the ONLY influences in my school, in my town, in everything marketed to me as a kid, everything I wanted. Everything was "bad" once they got to know it. Anything that was reality wouldnt live up to their criteria of being good enough for me.
They only wanted *me* to change, they only wanted me to live a life they refused to believe was empty. I surely just wasn't looking hard enough for the right influences, the right things to enjoy, for the right friends who would be nice to me, who were smart and polite and liked everything i liked, who were completely free of bad influences. They wanted so badly to rase me in a world that simply did not exist. And so, I was raised in no world at all.
I think again my parents were afraid of my sister, they couldn't do anything about how they lost control of her, and feeling the need to do something, they projected everything onto me, they were raising me to feel as if they were helping her, without even realizing thats what they were doing. Without really thinking about what they were doing, it seemed to work, my sister got better and as I got worse my parents only wanted to reinforce they way they had been raising me already. They felt like it was the right thing because they were so used to it. It was too late that my mom caved to the false solution that spending more money on me would fix all these problems, that maybe she could just pay the equivelent of everything i wanted so badly as a kid, but it only felt like a new way to tighten the suffocation and control and time she missed with my sister. I couldnt say no to her. She would bribe me into spending all my time with her instead of with my friends or doing anything that I alone would think was fun, anything that i could enjoy just by myself, anything that could make me individual. She had all the time and control she wanted, and she even had a way to feel better about herself for doing it. And for all the money spent, I never really caught up to my peers in the end anyway, I was only deeper in isolation. All the things I wanted to have as a kid made up the experiences that friends bonded over, all kids cared about at that age was the things marketed to them, that's all they needed to bond. Thats really what I missed out on, it wasnt the shows or the games themselves or anything. I was already too old for it to matter, but I guess I didnt want to accept that either, I just couldnt say no, I couldnt turn down so much offered to me, and I definetly couldn't turn down the excuses my mom used to feel better about herself, i was scared of how angry and passive agreesive she would get if i refused to let her feel pretend to be helpful.
And all these things aside there was simply a certain hidden expectation not to act too childish, to not like what other kids liked even if it was something far from harmful, partially the mentality of "if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?" and partially a mentality of my parents not really wanting kids, they wanted infants and they wanted adults. Neither of my parents seemed to care on an emotional level, instead only on the level that love was an important principle. They wanted me to act like I was loved, they wanted the connection, but there was simply no energy to love back. Emotionally they were very stark, they were a finance executive and a lawyer, and neither of them ever really left work when they came home, they never really left work when they raised me and my sister.
it's hard to love someone back when they're used to being a finance executive, when they're used to being the boss of everyone around them, with comanding and calculating, not leveling or understanding, and it's hard to love somone who's used to being a lawyer, who's used to completely dismantling the existence of other people, who's used to never speaking until the moment they're prepared to argue. it's hard to love people who've dedicated their lives to being that way, to love people who have lived that way for ten years, twenty years, thirty... They slowly become nothing else.
I wasn't raised by my mom and my dad, I was raised by a finance executive and a lawyer, maybe they're nice people, it doesnt really matter, they're not parents.
What started as never wanting me to be like anyone else and never being involved in anything other kids did “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” turned into “Why don’t you spend time with your friends” (why don't you HAVE friends?) and eventually that hidden urge to say “why aren’t you like other kids?” “Why don’t you have more interests?”
“why are you so quiet?
What’s on your mind?”
“you don’t talk to me anymore”
"you're a stranger in my house"
"stop acting retarded"
12/4
I just want to kill myself now, right when I was feeling better, but I can’t be fucking given privacy or autonomy it’s I can’t fucking take it my family I can’t take it why can’t I be left alone I can’t take it anymore I just want to fucking hang myself
even thinking about how much i hate it is like i cant be given privacy in my own thoughts i just need to be left the fuck alone why are other people forcing themselves into my life and into my personal descisions and prying at my thought process i have so many fucking things i wanted to focus on and i had energy but im not allowed to use any of it for myself i have to spend that energy on whatever someone else wants and be dragged around like a five year old instead of getting to go out and socialize with anyone im not fucking allowed to live and by now i know that i can function perfectly fine when im not being treated like this. the only fucking reason i wanted to talk at all is i thought my family could act fucking normal and give me space and i was going to get help with my fucking medical insurance but my mom is indefinetly ignoring me asking to get surgery while getting whiney and leeching toxic resentment into every interaction when i dont want to do things with her every second of free time when i could be actually making friends my age instead shes so fucking creepy and is only accepting so that she doesnt scare me off and can control me and be involved in my life more
my mom acts as if i ran away because i wanted to see her even more and not very specifically because i was running away from her when she flew out with one day of notice to look though the windows in my house because i didnt respond to her calls this is completely ruining the way that everything was improving for me recently and now that im feeling more social she doesnt fucking understand that its because i'm specifically in a good mood from talking to people who are not her and she takes it as a sign to use up every bit of social energy i have left before its gone and the fact it doesnt work and i was not at all more interested in talking to her but was just less afraid to be my normal self and be nice to people is driving her insane and shes doing her act of being the victim because i wont spend every second of my free time with her and share every personal thing i would rather do with my friends
#it reminds me so so much of the way my creepy roomate acted
#he made up for his antisocial behavior and lack of hobbies outside of work by being clingly and giving nobody personal space
#inserting himself into everything and prying at unfomfortable personal topics instead of just meeting more people and getting hobbies
#i fucking ran away only to be treated exactly the same
#this is such a retarded thing to be worried about i have other problems i want to kill myself over
#unlike financial or medical or academic problems- all my family has to do is decide not the be so fucking creepy to me
#shes only accepting as a way to control me i never even came out to me she just told me that she knew and was going to see me
#i tell her repeatedly i dont want photos taken of me and she randomly changes her mind or takes photos without telling me
#now when i go to try to socialize with normal people again how am i supposed to undo how she tries yo creep into my thoughts
#even privacy feels like i'm barely out of her freakish grasp and i wont be able to focus on enjoying anything
#she wants to be involved in everything and so i cant think of anything without her invading in my thoughts
#i cant even eat without thinking of her telling me what i should eat
#GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD LEAVE ME ALONE
its like my mom's brain is only wired to talk to five year olds and now that me and my sister are older she she refuses to find a hobby or socialize with people her own age has to forcibly treat people like children who dont have agency, which is something she can get away with because she's worked in management positions the last twenty years and because my dad cant tell her she's acting retarded
..she wants to treat everyone like a 5 year old but if she left me on my own to actually socialize with other people when i was actually young, then i would have actually grown up and she wouldnt have had someone to treat like an infant forever.
the least i can be thankful for is i salvaged my sense of self by learning to refuse to talk to anyone or trust anyone with personal topics and stayed distant from everyone, especially family, in the years after hitting puberty, even if they tried to play it off like i was acting out just because i was a teenager.
the realization that my parents would have suppourted me doing literally anything as long as i was passionate about it no matter how stupid it was and all i had to do was literally anything except be scared and indesicive and withdrawn!
#which is exactly what i am!
#every big realization i have about myself is that i should just be more like my sister
#but she already exists!! so what am i even here for!!!
#why did my parents want another child! why did they want me to be different! why was i made different!
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