9/17 The slave castes of modern California, exerpts from my writing;
8/14 statues must be made so they can be torn down and descisions made so they can be regretted and children born so they can die and love so love can end. all must lose so one can be first and one must have the best day of their life so that nothing can ever be as good again. words must be written to be lost and lifetimes of memories made to forget. the sun must rise because the sun must set. endless infernal cycles must raise mountains from the earth so they may crumble to the seas and begin to rise anew. the boulder must roll down the hill. the pointless war must be fought so that something may end. the empire must be built, the forest of towering trees must grow, that which will end withering, end burning, and in a moment of divine spectacle fall. The paramilitary needs the protestors to gather in streets waiting to be brutalized and the protestors need the paramilitary in the streets so their obstacle may show it's face. one must get high to sober up and joing the dance floor to feel one with the world just so they can break fro mthe crowd at the end of the night and become themselves again. All things are the fruit that is sweetest the moment it begins to rot. The fruit that must grow to fall and must fall to grow. life is suffering but the suffering is life. one must simply stand back in awe and watch it all. The cycle is beautiful when done right, when youre not afraid to experience it
the concept of a caste system feels so ancient until you actually meet someone and realize like wow this person is in a different caste than me. Like there is a caste system dividing us and like they don’t seem to know it. Literally nothing I can do to be equal with them, or sometimes it’s the other way around. Honestly such a scary realization to have and so existentially uncomfortable
if you’ve grown up in California you know about the modern caste system. I think if you’re in a more rural area like the American south the discrimination is sort of a different thing, for any fortune or misfortune of individuals you’re all ultimately a lower caste beneath the ruling metropolitans, so there isn’t really a caste difference between the fortunate and unfortunate country dwellers. If you live in an urban and/or surrounding suburban area you are extremely aware of the caste system. For all of California’s supposed progressive values I would say for sure that people are assigned caste loosely based on race.
#I think I intuitively knew this from an extremely young age even though I lacked the words to describe it
#My parents raised me in a town where all the other kids were at least one caste above me
the thing about the modern caste system practiced by Californians is that they manage to do it effectively without even recognizing it as a caste system. They don’t think of someone as being from a lower caste than them, they don’t think of the classes of society at all, it’s not a concept that exists to them, they genuinely believe that is no such thing as different classes in modern society but that they always just make a personal choice about their relationship to an individual which happens to be the same choice of every other member of their caste.
imagine a taxi driver, maybe they’re an immigrant from Pakistan or something like that, it doesn’t really matter how earnestly they socialize with a suburbanite, by some “personal choice” of the suburbanite they will always be relegated to being a lower caste who only services the higher caste and never the other way around and especially never gets to know them personally outside of work. Just as a suburbanite will think “You’re just a poor cashier, please just make small talk and don’t try to be real friends with me”. You trust certain poor people in your affluent town not because you see them as equals but because they’re the type who know how to stay in their lane.
The caste is determined mostly by the direction of service, intellectual labor is the “middle class” and is a large vaguely mutual class because anyone can be the consumer or provider of services equally, but stray lower into providing more one-directional services to higher castes, or stray the other way into the business students and such who always have intellectual laborers beneath them, and the classes are divided. The most successful engineer ever is still a slightly lower caste than the business major they work with.
Even some of the most progressive people in California don’t like to admit that there is nothing a Mexican can ever do to be the same caste as them.
Wherever it seems there is some exception of someone who sees eye to eye because they can talk to anyone it turns out on closer inspection they are just closer in caste, surely a foreign taxi driver is not considered the same caste -but here’s someone to prove that wrong! that sometimes the customer can see them as an equal as if there was no caste separation, maybe some average white guy- on closer inspection he goes to community college and so risks no status with this interaction, he’s not aware he’s part of a caste system, and doesn’t think about his interactions reflecting on him. This is how social phenomena like people forming solidarity in the southern states works, they’re actually already grouped into a single lower caste together by an exterior ruling class (metropolitans), you don’t see the same sense of “solidarity” among progressive Californians and any oppressed group. A business major from the suburbs? They would never befriend a lowly ethnic restaurant owner, they would never befriend someone struggling. “nothing to do with thinking they’re worse than me” they justify, “I just have to make good connections, that’s part of my career”.
Parents would never imagine themselves as enforcing something so archaic or dystopian, but if they’re middle class or upper middle class they get at least a little concerned about their kid befriending a family in poverty, “no I don’t want to discriminate, this isn’t some kind of caste system- I just want to give my kids to have a good future with people like themselves”.
It would be too awkward to cut their kids off from their friends once they’re already made, so parents find it really important to give their kids the right community to make connections in. Parents want other families to be pre-screened. This is what private schools truly promise, not magically better teachers really, there are some real benefits to for profit schools, but mainly they promise to maintain the nobility of a family’s caste.
Going to a fast food place? taking the kids to the arcade for a Saturday? maybe going to the playground? Could be poor families there, if you see your kid playing with someone else on the playground talk to the other kids parents, screen them to make sure they’re safe to let into your caste, not that the kid themself is so dangerous, you can tell from the way they play together they would make good friends, but what if the parents are poor and forever gravitate the path of your kids life away from success? Your kid could be happy with their friend but they could be happy with a different, less poor, friend instead, right?
the affluent Californians who are progressive in their associations aren’t as much angry that there is a caste system separating someone they care about into the inferior castes of society, but rather want to show off how progressive they are for being in touch with their inferiors.
It was honestly such a world shattering experience on certain occasions to have someone from a higher caste let me in on their plans as if I was a normal friend like they would make within their own caste. It’s like I didn’t even realize there was castes until the moment I left my caste without anyone noticing and then I was terrified of being caught.
Feeling that extreme terror i felt confusion and realizing I was somehow terrified and yet didn’t even know why is how I suddenly realized I entered a different caste. I was terrified so subconsciously, so by instinct, that I could have reflexed my way out of the situation and never notice it ever happened, like how people usually do (and hence how the system works).
On the rare occasion where some affluent white kid was excited to invite me to something personal I was like wow this never occurred to me I could infiltrate into their lives, and then it occurred to me… infiltrate in what? That’s when I realized the caste system that was being practiced around me.
Nobody from the affluent town I grew up in would have invited a foreign man from a low paying job to their daughter’s birthday party. It was so obvious that it doesn’t even cross you mind that someone like that could be there, and so the reason for absence of certain types of people never bothers you. But I couldn’t help but feel whenever allowed in that my physical self which was completely out of my own control was an impassable barrier just like that. If I looked too different then the idea of being invited to something with another kid from high school or something felt just exactly that out of place. For the circumstances of birth, which are completely out of control, you are relegated to forever be eternally impossible to coexist with certain things in life and no matter what choices you make you can never change this. This is the essence of caste.
It is so insane how California has such a powerful caste system like this.
9/1 I can’t even feel the softness of a pillow again like I used to be able to as a kid. I can only feel the coarseness of my own skin running over it. My face used to be soft and plush but now after long frustrating days when I want to lay down it grates against the fabric. I can’t even enjoy sleep. I can’t turn in the covers because my hair is so sensitive I’ll pull it all out in the night. I look at girls and think no matter how hard they think their life gets there are a million things they take for granted they could never even start to imagine. Im only a teenager and I’m already losing my body. I want the bed to feel soft again I want to fall asleep without stressing so much do I not deserve so little can I not even have that
one finds that in all things they will either repeat forever or at some inevitable moment end. everything repeats forever or ends forever. and upon mediation one finds that there is no difference because all is both, as is the sublime beauty of the turning sky. to fear the night is a primordial instinct but it is human alone to revere the impermanence of day.
from existence, all leaves eventually. only the answers that perpetuate the endless suffering of existence must be heeded and no matter how bad it gets the one philosphy you can never have is to ask it to stop. the one thing that never needs be asked is that it should stop, because the only guarentee is that it will. and in this time the only task is to find a reason in the pursuit of existence, the task that is impossible to reason. that is why we will never tire of searching.
eyes must burn mad and blind with poisonous passions and reverence. to sweat and heave on the mountainside in the dark, chasing the sky. burn and rave at close of day.
scraps of good produce can be cut away along with the blemishes, the waste is nutrients and returned to soil as is the rest eventually, tax can be spent on expensive projects as all the waste money is all the same to the flow of the economy. all things are ultimately wasted, all is ultimately lost, all that absolutely needs to be done is anything at all, anything at the cost of what it wastes, instead of nothing. the real waste is -in fear- to never waste, and as such become nothing.
7/? i think the new generations have been under the conditions that their parents won't particularly love them when they grow up no matter what. theres no winning move anyway, there is no outcome where your parents are proud of you, so motivation not to do dissapointing things doesnt really work. with everything meaningful being subsumed into technology theres very little left to do in life. unless you're a pretty lucky person i guess. there's no genuine long term motivations for life. no houses to want, no good hobbies left to want, no good freinds left to make, no more good art being made new, nobody good to date, no family to start. it was already tedious enough when it was possible
"what no pussy does to a mf"
"ive seen what pussy does to a mf and it's worse"
everyone who's ever hit puberty is partially evil. There is no choice, one day you're just a kid playing with other kids and then another day you're in middle school and everyone including all your friends got really annoying and immoral and self destructive and stupid and the truth is that in a way secretly nobody ever really grows beyond that phase
Everything seems logical, other ideas always more logical than what I think currently, the way of all things happening points to finding other answers as it exposes the inherent flaws of my current answers. It’s always something new that’s logical, that is until I take it to its logical conclusion and it’s not logical anymore. Then there’s something wrong with it. It’s only in the confusion that you’re right. When you first force yourself to acknowledge a growth or awakening to ideas, those ideas are more meaningful and correct than they are after you’ve been integrated into a community and discourse about them for a long time. Because the moment you decided to think something new is when you could have an aspect of free thinking, but once you settle into that new idea and find people who approximately line up and explain it, you’re no longer thinking freely. Again it’s in your confusion where you’re the most right, in the middle of reconciling contradiction where you understand most clearly the world that is governed by contradictions.
7/12 A world hundreds of millions of years old waits to roll over in its sleep. To shed this skin. Let this all fall from off its shoulders.
A deep restless sleep, a total indifference and unfathomable violence all the same waits in the silent hillsides.
7/10 i wouldnt say 4chan won the culture war but i think tumblr lost. at least that the tumblr-esque culture has taken a path so bad it should be considered failure despite winning however much cultural influence
7/8 Hell; Are we living in it? Article coming soon to my website
7/7 I feel like 90% of other trans girls I see online are fundamentally unlikeable as people, but not because they’re trans, just because they’re girls. Like female hysteria and personality disorders. Am I allowed to say that I don’t know. I’m sure it’s just twitter users with BPD skewing my perception. I’m sure there’s tons of normal girls in real life you just don’t hear about. Most or all of people I meet in real life are fine.
this next paragraph is not mine; everyone who is trying to find a new site like threads or bluesky or whatever the fuck to replace their daily twitter scroll trance have already had their souls hollowed out. imagine living on twitter and knowing intimately how dogshit it is, not just on a mechanistic website-end level, but in terms of actual site culture and media ideoform that it operates within, and thinking "I need a new place to spend multiple hours a day doing less than nothing that I will later feel guilty about anyway". you're already functionally an NPC as far as I'm concerned. beneath respect, sympathy, and contempt. non-human behaviour. proper bot shite.
7/4 bad ideas trample over everything i love. it not just ruining or destroying the thing, it's not simply out of reach, it's entire concept is banished from existence. the emotions it would have evoked -regardless of whether or not the thing itself could ever return- are forever annihilated from existence
A tectonic emotion is looking at something sitting completely still and seeing in your mind that it’s moving with an incomprehensible amount of force
all of California is Disneyland, all of California is Hollywood. You lie to yourself nonstop. For your own entertainment, and for someone else's profit.
This world that hosts cheap things is the same world which hosted the ancient civilizations.
It would be embarassing to reconcille the seriousness of a worldview, of a philosophy, of the *experience* of ancient civilization- with some modern day thing,
how can the most un-serious new thing out of hollywood exist in the same world as the stoic philosophers?
How can embarassing modern humor exist in the same world as every genocide?
How can our shallow way of talking exist in the same world as the archaic and pretentious way of speaking people had for all of history?
Partially, people underestimate the under-recorded casual moments which people had in anicent life.
But mostly, it's just that the contrast is too great, and in cognitive disonnace we can only subconsciously say to ourselves "these are two differnt worlds".
It's embarassing to try to reconcille something so serious with existing alonside every stupid thing in the world, so we simply don't believe the real world coexists with itself.
Therefore the embarassment or the humor simply takes precedent.
To see history as fiction allows us to put it into it's genres, so that it doesnt interfere with the other emotions.
What is serious reality in one person's story, isn't allowed to interfere with the not-serious reality of another story.
The two stories or works of art of the real world are given seperate worlds.
And until forced to reconcille, the serious reality will always be drowned out by the opposite forces, by subversion and parody and fictionalization and general cultural entropy.
Humanity has the ignorance to be unconvinced by looking back on thousands of years.
The thousands of years of life have as much sway as fiction to people of modern society.
The life of someone, who lived long enough ago, simply isnt real.
Even in the absolute best case, when people try to feel impressed, they struggle to see anything more than an impressive blueprint of fiction.
Ask how, for so many thousands of years, these things could be real -these philosophies, and ways of life, and journies for meaning and more, all were real- but are off limits to us.
We accept for example, maybe that the life and teachings of a tibetan monk are real, but are only real there in the mountains where he is found. Come down to the suburbs and we may be excempt from philosophy.
Here, where we live, we get a free pass.
Looking not even that far into the distance, from the recent history when so many famous authors lived to even barely two generations ago, the same thing happens.
With time too, we like to be exempt.
Now, when we live, we get a free pass.
We simply believe; "that world doesn’t belong to us, it belongs to history."
Did thousands of years of history turn to mist?
if you look at the top part of my face or the bottom half of my face either one looks normal, even attractive as features... but they're just- slightly too far apart. and the scale is just slightly off between the two of them. one half needs to be just slightly bigger or smaller, just barely imperceptably by a few millimeters. almost imperceptable differences encompass so much of the disparity from looking "right" like many other people do
my eyes are just very very slightly too small and too high up on my face.
my eyes and top half of my face look good when i wear a mask on the bottom, or when the bottom is in any other way obscured. And I look okay when I see only the bottom half, maybe in the car mirror, perhaps in a vauge reflection off a window on the street, with shadows of my hair and brow blocking out the top half of my face. but both at once, is just completely wrong
6/21 we base our ideologies around who we think will defend us, and often what we are attacked for first is our appearance
6/20 You will never be as happy as a fake and gay californian from the suburbs who lives in a massive house and is driving with their friends ina white jeep to pick up in-n-out on a sunny summer day and later they’re going to see a big movie and after that they’re buying a shit ton of weed for two quarters and tomorrow they’re going to a massive shopping mall and next week they’re going to a house by lake Tahoe to chill with their friends some more and do paddle boarding and swimming in crystal clear water
6/20 What's great about it all is that we're in the dark. Don't ever let the fear of reddit thought-experiment philosophy cringe or pinterest quotes "philosophy" cringe distract you from how truly vast and unknown it all is. We are born into the dark. We will never know how many cycles of civilization may have come before. We will never know the reaches of our own existence. Everything is eventually uncountable and unknowable and incomprehensable. It's beautiful that way
6/18 why didnt the romans build bigger ampatheatres? why limit themselves? the voice could only project so far. Their racetracks were limited too, by how far one could view the actions of the charriot driver. a grander track added no benefit over simply asking for more laps.
They had the material and skill to build colosseums bigger, twice, three times, ten times, the size of the pyramids, why didnt they? It's easy for many people today, who are drip-fed spectacle and fiction, to dissapoint themselves with the sight of the ancient structures. To wish that ancient people had tried harder to impress them, them specifically. "This building isn't big enough" says the tourist, "they should have made it bigger to impress ME".
The world famous arena, the Colosseum, a model built all across the mediterranean, it's design immortalized in stone, was no bigger than maybe a quarter the size of a modern stadium. With our technology we have managed to pad out the walls with paper and plaster. A frame of steel beams decorated with insulation, When the weatherproofing fails- soon too will everything load bearing and ornimental. When all else crumbles it will be an odd but maybe underwhelming sight. We had the technology to build our stadiums a thousand times bigger, out of stone that could last for thousands of years, why didnt we? we simply did not build it for anything but what it was. A stadium. The colossiuem was a place to immitate grandure of life, it was a stage, a domestication of brutality. To ask for a battlefield so grand, to ask for a stage to fifty-thousand more spectators, the greater civilization called on reality. This was not relegated to the domesticated stadium.
6/17 "It’s a strange feeling, laying your hand on that rail, you’re touching something so singularly massive that it’s on other side of the world. the rail you touch is a single unbroken object across a thousand miles. Part of these long bridges of stone, a single building. Or at least if it is broken, somewhere along all those miles, you’d never know, for just how massive it is. Somewhere, someone else may be touching it too, thinking the same thing.
And in the same way it crosses in history. A thousand years, ten thousand. However long it sat. You’ll never know where along those years someone from antiquity too stood in awe of its time."
6/13 I've always been sort of more femminine than normal, i have more interest in femminine stuff, and i've always wanted to look more on the femminine side. I'm still gonna be that way regardless of if I decide to transition or detransition, and regardless of if i find an ideological or philisophical justification for transitioning or not. it just feels like weird not to take the option that's sitting right there. especially since i'd always be way more accepted around those people and anyone who wouldnt like me transitioning is someone who wouldnt like me anyway. I try not to think about it too much.
ancients spoke of times
even to them old
and their emperors of monuments
even to them bold
in the black sands
a mountain wide
a crater stood
and an emptyness
the other side
6/10 "how do i get this aesthetic"
never, it's a personality, not an aesthetic
5/24 This is going to be maybe my harshest opinion and a painful thing to hear for almost everyone.
Far too much effort in life is spent trying to be pretty- and at the same time physical appearance is in fact actually extremely important. But being pretty itself isn’t what makes you happy it’s just the life you can live once you are. Your physical body not ruining your life is at the very base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
But because trying to look attractive is such a constant struggle in society, anyone who can do it naturally or with little effort thinks they can just coast by on it, and will end up being a nuisance to other people as well as sabatoging their own life.
think about how often personality disorders and depression are entirely socialization- based byproducts of the physical body in one way or another, they basically always are
Ugly people will never achieve full theoretical potential for happiness, while physically attractive people self sabotage.
Everyone is either bad looking and has any kind of personality randomly, or is attractive looking but with a horrible personality.
Looking good doesn’t mean you get your life together, but anyone who has their life together *will* always look good physically, and not need to worry about their health or genetics.
If you aren’t pretty from the start you just gotta be cut out of existence like don’t worry about it.
In a world where everyone is pretty nobody has to worry about appearances anymore and people can finally focus on what comes after; socialization without any preconceived insecurities
anyway this is really more of a personal belief I can’t apply to politics in any way, and wouldn’t really bring up in any normal conversation. But I just feel like we need a little eugenics so anyone slightly pretty stops developing personality disorders over it, and so that people like me don’t have to struggle and pretend we can have same potential for happiness.
#A lot of people probably think that if everyone was good looking you wouldn’t like them as much#I mean maybe but it really doesn’t matter because you’re still going to feel insane love in one way or another- it’s in our human nature#There will no longer be any pointless suffering over emotions in a relationship. Alternative motives won’t exist anymore#You either love people normally and caringly or you’re obviously selfish#if people are fine being mutually open about selfishness then there’s really no harm.#but that would be rare anyway Because given a choice in the long term; people will always want a life where they’re loved for real#Nobody needs to put up with personality disorders and nobody needs to fake their personality.#You’ll still be going crazy with love. Don’t pretend you’d be less happy if everyone was beautiful#Selfish love will just stop existing— at least to the extent that people are deceived into it.#No more personality disorders or hopeless jealousy#A world where it’s all personality
not an ideology, but ideologies which serve a world one lives in. We create ideology as we try to serve a specific worldview. There is not necessarily one ideology but an ideology for the world, just as we change as we grow and find ourselves living in new worlds, we find that the correct ideology, while sharing the same values and rhetoric, will be different, will evolve.
I would have considered myself a leftist for a long time and still do in a way. But heres my big disagreement with leftists; Look at the people in the world and tell me the only thing that needs fixing is the economic powers that cause exploitation. You really think that’s it? Have you looked for any other meaning in life? You’re all about how you can help everyone with this big outside force. Be honest, people need to change.
there’s simply no explanation for how fast I’m aging. My mom must have been drinking while pregnant. The house I grew up in must have had lead pipes. Maybe the dentist gave me x rays that were too powerful. Maybe adderall rotted my body. I don’t fucking know. worst of all maybe there is no outside force causing it. It’s not hard to believe that my family is completely dysgenic.
5/6 I really lack a personal world to pull from. I lack a past to pull from. No emotions no anything, im all fake on the inside. I am not a person in any way. It’s like I’ve just emerged from nothingness to inherit the problems of a person who never really existed. I’m as empty as a toddler but lacking the energy and childlike wonder to fill the void that exists. The void where my personality should be is already 18 years old, what can I do to fake 18 years of growing a personality, 18 years of coherent emotional connection. I’m only convincing because I can follow the present moment. But there is nowhere within me that someone could dig deeper if they wanted to. To have complex and intimate and meaningful friendship I need to have something within me, I must be more than just a persona. But what I need in that void, the one I need to be the person I am now, is in the shape of a child, and it’s a child I never was. I’m not building off of anything within myself, and instead I have to force myself into confrontation with nature and emotion and culture and the mind directly, to painfully engineer myself a replacement of that emotional child. It takes me some Herculean effort just to create my own soul. I feel cold in my own presence. If anyone is close enough there will be nothing for them to feel at all. Boredom at best, or the same uncanniness I feel.
Hearing music to the mystery of creation, the childlike wonder. Amazement at the feeling of something emerging from all things. Drawn in to all things.
You ever feel like everyone is faking everything because people no longer realize you can do something not fake
Sometimes people are only chill because they don’t care and it’s actually better to talk to people who care about things
5/1 imagine an alternate universe where nothing on the internet ever got ruined. think of how much internet culture we've lost because it wasnt preserved as just an original good thing
i wish it wasnt a requirement to be pretentious just to find things which are bearable. all this pretentiousness and its not even to find something really good, its just helping to elimniate annoying stuff
5/1 I stayed awake last night. The sun that rose this morning is different from the one that set. I’m still trapped in midnight. The day is just a passing illusion, all of this sun’s light is fake. This cloudless spring day feels as cold and dark as I felt when I was staring into the black moonless sky. I’m just as tired with life as I was then, the world is still in midnight, the turning of the sky only seems to happen. I wish I could see the real sun again.
I’ve fallen into a coma, into limbo. There’s no waking from this. I have to continue knowing it’s all a facade and a nightmare. And as long as I sleep, I’ll never really know if the sun is rising again. Im stuck in that midnight world from my late night walks. I’m in all these familiar places usually full of people, but I see a familiar world made quiet and empty. It’s an eternal and uncanny melancholy. I’m in the place where home should be, but it’s not home anymore. None of these people are people. The sky isn’t sky. My whole life is just a lonely midnight walk.
riding my bike on a warm spring night to pick up a bag of groceries. Passing through a lively college town where everyone wants to be outside again after a long winter. people laying in dark fields picnicking with friends and looking at stars. People playing sports. A gentle amount of wind. The street lights aren’t too bright either. feels more like festival lanterns
4/26 stop coping with being bullied or exploited or outcast or oppressed by convincing yourself that its actually your personality that you chose! You’re making it worse! Put down the fake culture! The surface level aesthetics! The commodities! Whatever garbage is marketed at you!
4/24 Life is cognitohazardous, the highest form of beauty lies in that purity of truth, some clarity and simplicity and singularity. An undoing of the complications