Gender and The Movement
USE DESKTOP TO VIEW PAGE IN ORDER
12/10/23 why do people, not just "allies" but even other trans people think they "need" to get rid of gender roles and gender binary… if you completely erase gender then all the best parts of my transition become sort of meaningless or nonexistant. You need more self awareness to realize that even if or maybe especially if you exist outside it, the deconstruction of gender isn’t what you actually want.
(12/11 rewrite) Visibility for the sake of normalcy sucks. What about my privacy and what about the fact I'm actually special? I'm missing out on the feeling both of hiding away in my dark room in a space of mind completely out of joint with any cultural cannon, the most subversive and underground person imaginable, and also, as is the goal, the opposite feeling of going out in public completely as a girl, not indicating or bringing up gender at all, thinking "it's so cool how nobody knows ;)". Having a constant mainstream consensus of "visible and normal" has you missing out on the best of both worlds.
if people just gave me privacy, I dont think you'd need to reconstruct society's entire etiquette around gender just to make me be seen as normal- I think I could be seen as normal if I just never brought it up and never was expected to bring it up
I'll talk to my close friends about things that are personal to me, if you're someone I don't know then don't get involved, you wouldnt need to get involved to see me as normal if I just had privacy from you. Acceptance or support in the majority of cases now just involves violating my privacy or free agency.
If you just gave me privacy you wouldnt have to try so hard to see me as normal, and if you gave me privacy then me and my friends could fully enjoy that I'm not.
While it’s posed as radical it’s actually a tame and mainstream “don’t worry about it” way to get people to view things. Getting people to accept you by just blurring the lines so you don’t stand out at all, is that really so radical as it is to do everything different with your gender and defy sexuallity without changing the goalposts to the point of creating a new social etiquette where what you fit in? Really it’s another form of, what I think was maybe THE essential mistake in the last decade, the vocal few trans trans people wanting to be “normalized” rather than just be given privacy and not hated.
Even for the trans people who enjoy their public perception, I think given the option you’d also prefer to admit that you are a person defined by a rare and special process. You’ve suffered through it anyway and by asking to be normalized it’s like you’re suffering for no reason because you’re not getting anything special out of all that painful reconciliation. If transitioning is normal then you're just a person struggling to meet bare minimums of fulfilling your identity, rather than someone undergoing a sort of inherantly profound experience. In the time before what I consider and refer to as "The Movement", even as recent as the 2000's when things were much more bleak and you couldn't expect suppourt from anyone, nobody who transitioned would ever have taken for granted what a profound experience transitioning was. It seems very strangely that some people now, who like their recent predecessors want to enjoy *not* to be seen as normal, also so strongly more than anything want to reinforce an etiquette about normalizing their lack of normalcy. I wonder about them, you enjoy being rebelliously out of bounds so much that you think everyone should be rebelliously out of bounds? you think that the boundries should be moved to include just how out of them you are?
But to that end I think even aside from how some exceptionally vocal trans people enjoy being perceived, I also again disagree not just with using visiblity to undo the idea of gender, but also disagree with what *seems* like another, even more fundemental and unanimous mainstream trans consensus which "normalcy" rests upon- I actually think that trans people by an overwhelming percentage don’t really want visibility in general, they want privacy. At least we dont want visibility (being visable among people who aren't trans) *for being trans* . And "acceptance" or "support" in the majority of cases just involves violating your privacy or free agency. Just like cis people, most of the time trans people would rather keep these personal things about identity in their life between them and their friends. But that’s never ever ever going to be a point of the most vocal trans people- and the vocal perspective is the one which outsiders pick up on. The only “support" trans people need is really just normal socialization, which is the kind of support anyone needs.
What is "visibility" for, when I'd rather have privacy? Instead everyone around me has to be involved in my personal life as collateral for being seen as "normal" even though I would fit in better by just not bringing it up- and not being EXPECTED to bring it up. And in private with my friends where I *do* bother to reference transition I would also be able to appreciate said aspect of identity more by being allowed to appreciate that it's special- if i was not unwillingly part of a movement to appeal to "normalcy". Being trans is a profound and esoteric experience that exists in a blind spot of society. It emerged on it's own, unseen, from a world from in which no institution needed to approve it. This secretive personal experience and the society it comes from are not broken and don't need fixing, at least not regarding the topic of gender identity. It's by being this esoteric and impossible to institutionalize practice that transitioning is so special in the first place and it's lack of need for any institution which makes it easier to have privacy and not be so unwantedly noticed. The mainstream is not holding up the concept of "being trans", it is actually the people who in the solitude of their own private lives and are actually transitioning who unwillingly are holding up the mainstream more than anything by being hostages of etiquette and hosts to parasitic culture wars which companies enjoy provoking then profiting off of by branding to political leanings. Subverting your gender or sexualtiy are the most personal experiences a person could possibly have.
Visibility is the worst of both worlds where you feel absolutely unremarkable around your friends and trans people even take eachother's existence for granted because we're supposedly normal now, but somehow you also stand out to the outside world. That's exactly the opposite of what I want. As a trans girl I'd really rather be seen as just a girl by the outside world and, if by anyone; "seen as trans" only by my very closest friends (or anonymously, like here on my very personal website), rather than the other way around where I am seen by the outside world as "trans" before being seen as a girl, because that defeats the purpouse of transitioning. A trans girl asking to be seen as just a girl is practically redundant, while a trans girl willingly or not being seen as just "trans" is such a fundementally incorrect way of understanding transess that it's almost a gramatically incorrect way of using the word "trans"- which is really an adjective or prefix for another word like "transfem" or "trans girl", it's just that the word "trans" we have very generously accepted as a shorthand on it's own. Now it is taken completely for granted.
I also think too many trans girls themselves are more focused on ‘being trans’ than they are on ‘being girls’. "Trans" on it’s own isn’t a thing you should worry about, you focus on being a girl and being trans is some special essence imbued into your character as consequence of that effort.
^she's real, this is me
12/13 last bastion of a bygone world where people thought of trans girls like angels sent to save lonely and culturally dissident men from being single
image addition 12/11 from How Modern Media Destroys our Minds
Think of how you "earn" your identity. If you think being a failmale is just roleplay then you will miss out on a beautiful feeling. Probably good life advice in general but I just felt like talking about failmales specifically.
12/1/23
being a normie whos into subversive stuff is way better than being a subversive person. i dont think ive quite got the right words to describe what im thinking of because there are for sure real normie-normies, the mainstream normies, which is what most people think of, but theres also a person who is normie in the sense they are sane and have their life together and have friends and hobbies etc but not to the mutual exclusion of having taste for subversion and having insane interests or being genuinely contrarian, which I personally think is currently too rare of an archetype among trans people- or people in general.
this is slightly different, but since i wanted to bring it up anyway... something that bothers me a lot recently is a demographic amongst people subversive of sexuality who have this need to be a "failmale". first of all, it's patently impossible to be a failmale on purpose of your own free will, and second, the whole appeal of the concept of "failmale" is enjoying someone who doesnt want to be failmaled. So the kind of normieness that is not exclusive to allowing yourself to enjoy weird shit is actually a necessary border between conscious and subconscious desire, without it, it is fumenentally imposible for anyone to actually be a "failmale" because any potential person in the demographic is doing it on purpouse, essentially theyre just LARPing, which is horny redditor behavior and extremely cringe. This is not just how being a failmale works but also how being trans in general works.(addition for those unaware; I tend to use "larping" and "reddit" as if they are synonymous with "postmodernism" or "simulacrum", which is to say it's cringe and fake)
(12/5 addition) A true failmale does feel or at least understand the need to be dignified and ambitious to some extent in order to actually be a failmale.
(12/11 addition) normies are always doing weird shit to convince themselves they're not normies, real people live normal but still end up different.
(12/19) just strive to be happy as if there were nothing unusual and let your shortcomings of masculinity make themselves apparent on their own, it's more rewarding and leaves even less doubt about your identity.
> also see entry 7/20/23 and 12/12/23
12/1 on a side note, I've been feeling really amazing lately!! i had my first date and i feel like just holding hands for an hour cured every psychological problem i've ever had, i feel so clear and motivated and i finally just *get* socialization and having my own personality!!! make a note of that
7/20/23 leftists fail to understand that the true secret societal function of shame around sex and references to it is not only for it's obvious benefits like deterring porn addiction or objectification or infidelity or STDs or personal drama but also because shame makes sex better. all of sexuality.
right wingers too but a very specific type of them
(12/12/23)
the true reason for societal shame around sex is not because it stops people from actually having sex but because shame causes unimaginably stronger bonds between the people who do
"the society that made a whole generation of males transition to female is already perfect to me... doesnt need fixing... not broken" -anonymous mutual
Modus Operandi of The Movement
To be clear... this iconic greentext isn't exactly a shining example of feminism, but it represents an important time in culture... let me have this
12/23/23 You know how they say racehorses would probably break records overnight if they just understood what the reward was? If straight guys knew what they were missing out on due to the fact that restrictions on healthcare are causing the girls who make greentexts to look like greasy redditors irl instead of cute like they want to be, the men would riot in the streets at the slightest government regulation of hormones. Brazil has been on the militant front for years ahead of the rest of the world. The only reason why men aren’t getting their dicks sucked completely off their body like every other day by random trans girls is because the girls just refuse to get into relationships pre-transition or in early transition when they’re in their looking cringe stage
The part about constantly getting sucked off was an exaggeration but other than that I do really believe all of this seriously, not just a joke.
Straight trans women willing to sleep with cishet men are like atlas holding up the sky for everyone else. The voter base, the media, the politicians, they want tranny gfs and are simply willing to put up with the other lgbts just for that possibility, let’s be honest that’s how this works
gay rights might have been somewhat about our demographics moving to metropolitan havens and the gay rights protests there subsequently becoming annoying enough to local politicians that they decided gays were an acceptable demographic to farm for votes, but for the past half century nobody actually respected gays, they were always considered annoying and cringe and it was only if you were politically minded and polite you tried not to make fun of them. 90% of all progress has been because straight guys really want to be able to fuck trannies and even right wingers are scared of any law, politician, or movement that threatens to fully make them illegal. And it’s not coincidentally that the progress has been almost entirely in this last decade or two where the idea of being trans truly galvanized in culture. Note that being trans has been tenfold more visible than anything about being gay lesbian or bisexual.
More recently, "rainbow capitalism" has created another misconception on how the movement makes progress, people assume that economic engagement is the same as cultural victory. Corporate identity politics only sells if there’s a culture war, otherwise who would care about supporting or boycotting a business for publicly chosing a side? Businesses engineer the culture war and identity politics at the same time by designing their marketing provoke unnecessary drama in stupid and poorly understood stances and with large, obnoxious, empty gestures. They only weigh us down like we're their hostages and they hold the line against the consequences which *their own actions* will have on us when they're gone; the appeal of dating trans girls is truly the only thing that keeps the entire lgbt community from losing its rights.
page two, extra writing;
Gender as The Dynamics and Expressions of Sovereignty
8/20/23 jungian freudian urge to get into dating starting with the weakest and most effeminate boy possible to lessen fear of losing virginity. nietzsche would have a lot to say about this. secular post-christian social construct of virginity turns out to be subverting pursuit of the ubermensch? or is it just a preference for feminine men? suprisingly, i think it's the first one
even seeing guys i like on dating apps (masculine) try to contact me i never wanted to actually meet them ever. existentially scary
it's about physical body as manifestation of self. nietzschean and freudian and stuff.
the physical manifestation of the acts with and twoards the human body feels like a loss of sovereignty
masculinity is supposed to mean sovereignty in society so femininity means losing sovereignty= losing social value and humanity
sexuality on physical level exists in equivelance to physical manifestations of society and socialization wanting to be sovereign.
(addition) conclusion #2
is i wanna do this^^^
hence masculine feeling of need to lose virginity versus feminine fear (men prove their soverignty, women lose their sovereignty)
manifestation of attraction one way is receiving comfort vers other way is crossing into vulnerability and loss.
because of it being a physical embodyment of the inherent conflict of individuality,
which in the interaction between people can be a violation of ego/self and loss of self to other people
-this is a fear which ironically stands in contrast to also requiring other people to find the self.
conflict of interests internally and externally; schopenhauerian tragedy
conclusion? we live in hell.
8/11 The core idea of masculinity is ultimately about sovereignty and basically nothing else
(8/16 addition) in a social sense that is
(8/20 addition) if a girl wants go for a walk at night and there's no man around to watch over her, does she go for a walk? can a girl do anything alone? even when she's safe, can she do anything without other girls to affirm she exists? or to affirm for her that her way of thinking or doing things is correct? Is it irresponsibly un-female to make a descision which only oneself thinks is good?
by contrast, if a man doesn't have a sense of self even when he's alone, is he really a man? If he needs approval or co-operation is he really a man? so what's the conclusion about our society? wouldnt it seem that within our society, women don't exist or should not exist outside of being perceived by someone else?
(9/6 addition) this would seem to explain the cultural expectation of female hypersocialization and male undersocialization and the discomfort with those who are femminine and undersocialized or masculine and hypersocialized. (Discomfort both as internal repression and opression externally onto others who dont conform, disgust prevents feminine personality where one is perceived physically masculinely, regardless of the instinct of personality of the person in question they are kept approprately socialized to match their appearance) Hypersocialization provides the outside perception that "allows" women to exist, undersocialization proves the opposite for men- lack of dependence "allows" them to truly exist because they prove that they *can* exist without dependence on outside perception
Therefore, in theory, femininity does not require to be emasculated
(8/22 addition) sovereignty is also why femininity is regardless of age but masculinity can only exist as a consequence of adulthood.
The notion of sovereignty being masculinity additionally explains the discrepency between accusing men of being effeminate but often not with the same meaning of calling them actually femminine, it simply means calling them decedant and dependent, puer aeternus, "soy"
effeminate in this context doesn't usually mean feminine, it means emasculated, it is the lack of masculinity, not the presence of femininity.
10/7/23 i believe that all the cultural intracacies and physical manifestations of gender are also the result of the social engendering of the concept of sovereignty. Women wear makeup because their lives are fundementally more dependent on their outside perception, fashion being perceived as feminine can be a result of this too, obligations to take care of the house, and all the tiny cultural complexities that were ingrained as a result. Men do have some reliance on outside perception, but beyond the fact that men are considered less masculine the more their life or livelihood relies on the perception of others, the masculine traits that are sought after are often an additional social *bonus* rather than an *expectation* or *requirement* as they usually are for women. Not only that, but the masculine qualities that ARE a matter of outside perception are in and of themselves inherantly indicators of soverignty, like physical strength or even buisness prowess. Men are more attractive the more they help and strengthen themselves, while women are more attractive for externally appealing to others. Makeup can be worn for more than fulfilling societal expectations, and anyone should be able to appreciate good fashion for their own sake -at least i think so- but things like these, in their bias to be perceived as female may or may not always remain as holdovers from social dependency.
Botched Acceptance and Competence
i
7/28/23 gay people in an accepting society; im so useless.. "weh im puppy. i'm a bottom i cant drive. im so bimbopilled. i love to watch anime 30 hours a day. being stupid is so sexy. when the autistic shawty go nonverbal. i have adhd. yes i have a phd in CS, i dont use it for anything im just the IT employee for some fuckass random company and i code shitty video games"
gay people in a homophobic society; "yes of course sir, i alone will invent a more advanced computer than has ever existed before." or "i love being a nationally renowned author and philosopher, hm today i think im going to try assasinating the emperor"
7/17/23
its sad theres so many ways and so much untapped potential for girls to be masculine that doesnt involve being a dumbass on the internet. someone could at least try using the internet in an interesting way, it's not like being online counts as a personality trait anymore when literally everyone uses it and is forced to use it. thats actually like the worst way to be masculine- to just be a trend consumer. To that end, because of consumerism, too many transmascs don't care to venture any further beyond the same immature and uninteresting personality they would have had before they were able to socialize because they could not fit in with girls, but rather than improving their personality or finding hobbies to meet people and try to perhaps fit in with men now instead, (as an outcast would normally have to do in a world where outcasts found very weird hobbies) it's too easy for so many of them to cling to an internet bubble of consumerism to fill the unadressed need for human interaction and maturity, and interesting personality traits.
"soy culture is longhousing our tomboys", and other sentences not to say out loud;
>
something went wrong, you would assume from the worldview of both the conservative and progressive that the old archetypes of "female masculinity" would today be what we consider about average for a woman, because of increasing margins for masculinity as a woman, and yet if that's true.... where is it? Where is the masculinity going? Is the average theyfab or terminally online transmasc of gen z really accounting for the empty space left behind by a society which no longer needs to force them into the same group as tomboys? Self-proclaimed tomboys practically don't exist anymore either. If no "girl" who's even willing to be slightly masculine doesnt end up being a transmasc, then there aren't any masculine girls in the world, they can only be closeted trans men, but we know intuitively that isn't true.
Society is then not quite as progressive about masculine women as we seem to have convinced ourselves it is, it is only able to "accept" transmascs instead of tomboys because they self proclaim to be a distinct group; which allows them to once again be seen as outsiders. They are accepted as "normal" only enough to lure them into being trapped by social edequitte; the condition that they are not going to be too masculine, too physical, too intimidating, but instead weak and contented in the consumerism of "acceptable" nonthreatening culture, or in other words, not masculine. This problem is coming from inside the community.
#using the internet only counted as a personality trait when you needed a special personality to be into computers.#if everyone in the world is forced to use computers and computers are made dumbed down to be easy for consumers... #..then being online can only count as a personality trait if youre actually using the internet for a special reason. #not just the same reason everyone uses it. #either way. when it comes to girls who want to be masculine, the possiblity of masculinity is being lost despite or even because of lgbt movements in internet culture #everything about gender is being subsumed into algorithims so any real masculinity is practially unattainable #gender is just a meme- the movement messed up by giving in to the meme and replacing physicality with the meme #its even harder to be a tomboy in a world where gender is just a meme than one with harsh homophobia.
#to clarify- it was a more difficult experience to be masculine in an unaccepting society, but it's less *possible* to be a tomboy at all in an emasculating and identity-melting society
in an age where everyone is inside and being dragged into internet for socialization and nobody is out playing in a physical way, it's actually harder and less likely for girls to authentically be masculine. Of the girls, even when some of them realize later they are in fact male, the problem remains. despite the internet being largely identified as a hearthstone of lgbt cultural movements, which presumably would lend itself in some way to there being more tomboys, in reality even with the ability to socially and biologically completely transition to actually being male there is even still a loss of the psysicality on tangable actualization of the masculine. for either political alignment, its concerning that the internet is destroying realized or actualized identity, most especially the aspects best described as physical and often also known as masculine
#i think boys are being dumbasses on the internet too. and i do think i would say the same thing prevents them from experiencing femininity#but it feels less of an issue to me
actually the internet makes boys stupid as fuck but it doesnt stop them from being feminine, which is distinctly different from the opposite issue I'm worried about.
10/16 changing as a person to become something new is a task you assign yourself. it gives you meaning and you can seek out new things in every aspect of your life. some of you just take pills and expect it to happen to you, you are almost exactly the same person but taking pills. it's a small descision which requires little motivation and i dont have to believe you're different for doing it, not different from how you were before, not different from other people
Sexuality as The Singular Basis of Philosphy
12/22/23 costin alamariu, pictured here probably smoking meth, is insane and overly cynical but it's true, sexuality is the only true form of philosophy, the only true form which historical events can take, the form it all originates in, and the form it all culminates in, the ultimate form we express it in.
12/22/23 So they say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but when it comes to Selective Breeding and the Birth of Philosophy your guess at what kind of book this is is probably correct. Costin Alamariu was formerly known in the 2010's as a gym bro who offered dating advice on the internet, like his infamous pickup line "you want that I should throw my fuck into you?", it was only recently his real name was leaked to reveal he was a yale graduate and author of two philosophy books, he now lives in the balkans or meditarranain smoking meth and paying for postitutes nonstop. Anyway, if you can read between his (very cynical) lines you'll find this book to actually be extremely illuminating about how sexual dynamics work and how essential they are to the fabric of all our social constructs and the course of our societies for thousands of years, surpassing even the bredth of Deluze's book Anti Oedipus, which poses what is in many ways a similar but opposite thesis; that capitalism, as part of a neverending historical drive to fascism (which is an inherantly sexual craving for authority) unconsciously promotes a prime directive of conformity in sexuality and the long term goals of sexuality conforming to the freudian idea of psychology, and deviations manifest as being diagnosed in mental ilnesses.
While Costin Alamariu is correct in pointing out that sexuality -who you can have relationships with, who you want to have relationships with, who you can attract, the metrics of attractiveness- is fundemental to social contract (social contract in this case encompassing not only a society's legal system but cultural forces and their reprocussions, expectations and taboos) it's also clear that Costin Alamariu struggles to view relationships as anything more than motivated by sex. He criticizes changes to the way sexuallity is practiced in the modern world likening it to falling empires, directly threatening the social contract. He contrasts this to describing the purpouse and origin of constructs which ensured things like fidelity in other civilizations above all else and how at the most extreme, a society where marriages are arranged completely in advance by social custon is inseperably also a society or demographic with caste systems, because caste operates fundementally on a seperation of sexuality and social contract or the level of trust and attractiveness within the different classes of a society is seperated into different groups. One society therefore has different higher-trust-societies and lower-trust-societies contained sperately within it. Note the only difference between a society having stratified "classes" and having stratified "castes" regards harshness of how it is imposed on sexuality and intermairrage of genetic lineages.
He also writes about how without any guarentee of trust in the notion that following a culture's construct of morality is a requirement as part of finding a relationship, the social contract no longer serves it's function and social constructs become a barrier to the primary concern of people (in his words basically only men) who otherwise uphold all of society and the necessary roles in preserving a society (especially warfare) due primarly to the motive behind carreer ambitions and upholding societal values being the need to be seen as a competent partner, and in the case of someone like a soldier being deployed, knowing their fidelity is ensured at home by laws or societal expectations wherever they are, otherwise soldiers would not leave or fight for their home. That is why, in all of the historical examples Costin brings up across diffrent eras and parts of the world, the laws and taboos around sexuality were always the most strictly enforced, encompassing, and harsh, the sexual reliablity of a society defined the reliability of participation in it's social contract; moral obedience of it's rules and ambitions to contribute to it.
In other words, if the average person doesn't need to be morally good or sucessful in order to reliably have sex, and there are no societal reprecussions for violating trust, then society will collapse.
The problem with his cynicical tone to otherwise true statements about the nature of society is of course that the existence of the social contract in the first place proves people do in fact by human nature prefer to trust eachother rather than rule by force, because people prefer ultimately not to feel alone, even if they are willing at their core to forgo contract when living in a low trust society. I know for a fact that the construction of society shows there is a powerful aspect of romantic love which exists and emerges wherever it can. His book goes into many unrelated aspects of sexuality and eugenics and especially the history of the idea of "nature", but that's for writing about at another time.
Julis Evola explained^^
Class, religion, race, how we raise our families, how we grow up and strive for things, anything you can think of, all dimensions of politics come down to sexual values, what is desireable for a society, what is allowable, what people are open to or afraid of, who internacts with who and how, why, what barriers there are to sexuallity and what responsibilities it entails, etc. When the philosopher Julius Evola talks about race, he describes it *not* as a matter of genetics or biology, but that there is some metaphysical force that drives different societies twoards their own platonic ideals of what a person should be like, (driven apart from eachother in different directions), maybe for example we could describe one part of a platonic ideal as being "beauty standards" or the disposition which is considered "charasmatic" within a given society, this platonic ideal of a person which a society constructs in it's culture is -according to Evola- the true definition of a race, and biology is only a secondary characteristic, a manifestation of this metaphysical concept of "race". So then what is this metaphysical force? this platonic ideal? what is race? The answer, which evola himself does not provide, is sexuality. For context,
Evola was italian, and being such a historical melting pot for the mediterranean it might be difficult to define italians or italian identity by biology, the way we typically take for granted that we should define "race". What evola shows is that shared culture (as i stated, in the form of unexpressed sexual values) actually preceeds race, in the same way it preceeds all other unmentioned aspects of humanity and our philosophy. So here's the important part i wanted to get to; all other dimensions to political conflicts originate and culminate in sexuality. Consider especially the controlling or resentful, but ultimatley psychosexual motive of the construct of monotheistic western religions (and of the secular societies born of them) campainging against more blatantly sexual and older cultures like hellenist, roman, and nordic religion, as per Nietzsche's Geneology of Morals, which has some latent sense for this underlying sexuality.
"people under a spell of a Culture are its products and not its authors. These shapes in which humanity is seized and moulded possess style and style-history no less than kinds of art or mode of thought. The people of Athens is a symbol not less than the Doric temple, the Englishman not less than modern physics. There are peoples of Apollonian, Magian, and Faustian cast ... World history is the history of the great Cultures, and peoples are but the symbolic forms and vessels in which the men of these Cultures fulfill their Destinies." -Oswald Spengler
12/24/23 sexuality is the ultimate expresion of "this -what i find best in a person- will continue to exist because of me even under the harshest cultural shame, this way of being is worth it, that this way of being is what people should aspire to be and a life where we meet someone like this is what we want to obtain" sexaulity creates who will exist, it creates humanity, in both the most obvious and physical sense but on the highest immaterial level too. Sexuality creates the future. This desire twoards certain sexualized values and the world it creates are how the single sexual drive is both the origin and culmination of all philosophy. And by sexuality I do mean, as stated before, not just sex but -whenever people have found the chance- also as a component of a romantic love which exists for it's own sake.
The Tenets of Identity
9/25/23 The virtue of self discipline is not borrowed or shared to those who are only taking from the collective identity without becoming part of the collective- nor undergoing the same proccess that created the identity.
(10/16 addition) every community needs the discretion to protect it's cultural evolution..
...which involves some amount of exclusivity, and in turn that exclusivity requires the individual to recognize in themselves a need to improve- in order to not inflict their bad sense of self on other people.
i dont like being mean and i dont like when other people are habitually mean, not even when theyre mean to people who i also agree have flaws or deserve criticism. Being mean is a vice -but i think we've almost all seen or even met someone who makes us think the movement or the community needs standards. It's not about spiting people who have something wrong with them or who make those around them uncomfortable, because it definitely feels like a small tragedy when someone is irritating and shallow or immature; they are victims of the things that are wrong with themselves, but you just can't be inviting to people who won't change themselves.
(11/6 addition) some of us broke off from the crowd, we did something different, had different values, changed ourselves over generations of effort and harsh self-judgement, and only now that we have acheived enough to be loved, do careless people want to be invited in to share.
at some point i wrote somewhere that normies are always doing weird shit to convince themselves they're not normies. They're weirder than the people who are actually just different, they're annoying.
9/21/23 being trans is about knowing you have no future to plan for because of how you disrupt your own life in becoming yourself and wanting to only live for the present moment as your age quickly approaches with consequences to hinder you from making future plans, but also knowing you can’t live in the present moment because by definition of transitioning you’re only going to really exist as yourself in some imaginary future
8/3/23 i want so badly to be a normal girl.
if I was any further up the heirarchy of needs of self actualization I wouldn’t waste what I had of myself on stupid decisions and trivial personality and wasted youth or letting my identity fall to consumerism unquestioningly. If I had the chance I would work to be interesting and likable and live fully and live in motion and be part of real things. I would not live for the internet I would not accept living off of the shallow attention only to act helpless when only getting the shallowness I asked for.
Why are there so many passing trans girls or just so many cis girls in general who just choose to waste their existence and destroy themselves for no reason other than that they thought they could live without doing anything more in life or being anything more in life than embody their endlessly refined surface level of identity that gets the most easy attention and approval, only to wonder why they can’t be liked for anything more than what they choose to become
#I would live as heavily and fully as possible
8/2 (removed)
I'm thinking about Ana Stelline from blade runner.
the whole story is about being someone else but knowing you're really her, but you cant be.
ana is the daughter that her actually father loves, and not the strange unloved man who has identical DNA and childhood memories. She's trapped in an artifical world where she has to imagine and create memories for herself growing up. trapped behind the medium of computers because she was never able to live as a person in the real world. but the verson of "her" in the real world is not free but the tragedy of the story
Officer k forgives his father for not loving him because he realizes his father never actually really knew him
And it’s not his fault
He doesn’t tell his dad the truth because he knows he wouldn’t understand
"All the best memories are hers"
"But why? Who am i to you?"
"Go meet your daughter"
Transitioning as it's Own Form of Samsara
7/11/23 The average trans girl is just understandably in agony and stuck in basement of maslow’s heirarcy by of needs without even the body to continue fulfilling any higher stages in life. But any time a trans girl *is* one of the lucky few given a chance to be normal, they all are ultimately tempted by the power of ruining their own lives for attention online or in worse ways.
By finally being able to escape the hell that was their chained identity and be one of the luckiest rarest few people out of thousands their reward is to start at square one. To finally, after all the existentially painful odds and suffering, just revert to becoming a normal girl and suddenly be competing from the bottom again.
after everything you went through just to be a girl, now you have to not care about it all anymore If you want to live a normal happy life as a girl. The final stage in getting everything you want is to just not care that you got it.
The final stage of being a trans girl is either turning your back on the movement or getting stuck in it and letting it exploit you to the fullest simply because that’s what you would envy if you were at the bottom, you let yourself be exploited and ruined as a person because if you vere not valued or attractive enough to even have anything to be exploited, if you were at the bottom of the heirarchy, you would otherwise have envied those who at least had enough good traits to be exlpoited. Or to the same end, to at least be valued highly enough to get all the attention you wanted online by wasting your chance to live a real and normal life, where you get only a normal amount of attention.
With the amount of social capital that can finally buy your freedom and a normal life, (essentially only your appearance being passable) you could instead afford a much higher position here, where you would have power. The purchasing power of social currency, fame, attention, maybe literal money. what is freedom worth in the normal world by comparison?
reign in hell or serve in heaven, but either way pull the ladder up behind you. That’s the best case scenarios you can hope to be in as a trans girl.
6/29/23 entries from before this date have been removed, but you can still admire these two images
I hate acceptance I don’t want pride I hate the men I’m attracted to and I hate the things they want to do to me. I hate that I’m even tempted. I want real love I want a body I feel comfortable in. What I hate even more is that they will stop wanting the things I hate. It’s all so disgusting
#I deserve better than what I ‘want’. but pride and acceptance says it doesn’t matter
6/12/23 A woman could be great, if only it were not for that allure of a more comfortable life which only demands to take the price of her dignity
That is to say her individuality, autonomy, solitude, the quiet moments of serious contemplation and the tough moments of relf-realization, self-actualization, the stoic, solemn, and austere. the freedom to hide a depth of her personality inside, it only demands her humanity.
Sacrifice all ambition for comfort. After all, ambition isn’t a real thing you can give up, it’s not a quality of life, it’s a chance, a risk, but comfort is something you can have. And why wouldn’t you want it? What does ambition do to make life any more real?
Dignity, that’s something you have a free supply of. Why not give it up? Spending dignity, just for the opportunity to give up fragments of your own life, and then -maybe- get the comfort you gave up so much for, why not? It’s not like it’s doing anything when you’re not spending it. where else are you supposed to spend it? When you’re losing dignity, when you're spending it, when you're trying at all, you might as well not waste what was lost and spend everything else you have.
In the back of every woman’s mind is that voice promising that if she only is willing to give up a little more dignity, dignity of being fully human, that she has a chance to make her life more comfortable.
.png)
It's not just a matter of the blatant dehumanization, of men, or of a specific person or people ojectifying woman out of apathety or antagonistism. It's in everything that makes up the accepted feminity, taken so much for granted that it's power doesn't seem to exist.
Sinking into the comfort of people who you have no reason to feel close to, simply for comfort alone, and not because they matter especially, and not even because you think they are *supposed* to matter, or may grow close in the future. This allure of comfort and the promise that it's acceptable hides the effect it has. To accept relationship without meaning, to broaden "closeness" to people you don't actually have common personlity with, you flatten your identity. In the constant acceptance that you must crush down your identity, you are giving up the space in you personality to store something you don't have yet, and it is something which will never even occur to you to have, because you keep no space for it. The will never present itself as a possible version of who you could be.
To accept solitude when you would rather be in the comfort of people, on the basis that you want to reserve some of your personality for people who you find you actually have more in common with, is viewed as a male-exclusive trait, which a woman must subconsiously avoid, for rear of perceived coldness.
The truth is that it's not just something that's accepted as a woman, but that you're forced into AND forced to think that you accepted on your own. In this manner of socialization you are required to forefit autonomy and individuality, you are not allowed to have personality that breaks the invisible regulations. No matter what statment peice of your idenity stands out it can never escape the constant feild of gravity twoards the average of collective identity and personality. To do so forefits the unspoken social contract to refuse exceptionality.
It is the very state of solitude, the quiet moments of serious contemplation, the stoicism, the solemn, and the austere, that is needed to create the exceptional identity which escapes the gravity of the social contract. It is only through these tough and often, at first glance, very undesireable moments that you can fully appreciate relf-realization and self-actualization. The freedom of identity is to be able to hide a depth of her personality inside, the freedom of privacy and freedom to escape social pressure. Not to be deluded into thinking you must change yourself simply by joining a different social contract, but to escape the need for a dependent personality at all.
.jpg)
The appeal is clear in many women, very many women want and try to escape their socialization. They try to escape their pre-allowed roles, even to escape into what was supposed to be subversive but only ended up being a role of "subversive woman". They want more individuality, more distinction, more exception, they want self-realization in solitude. And within those groups there are women who want even further to be austere and stoic and serious. But many women are caught in it all again when it's rebranded as an aesthetic. (as is the case with personality in our late society regardless of what demographic you are, and especially more so on the internet)
To socialize is good, to find commonality is good, to change as you meet people is good, but you must befriend people without ever conceding any ground as to who “you” are.
5/14/23If the character you like so much was a real person they would not be on the internet faking their personality using fictional characters
Trans girls don’t know this but there’s actually more to being a woman than wanting attention
5/9/23 in middle school everyone got stupid and annoying as soon as they hit puberty and in hindsight the majority of people never actually outgrew that.
5/8 whys is it always some BPD schizophrenic Stockholm syndrome Green text shit
trans girls are never like happy about the idea of getting flowers or going on a picnic. Its always gotta be some weird shit you’d see in a greentext
actually it’s almost all girls that use the internet who are like this. There’s some fucking BPD epidemic. It’s just that the few who happen not to be online at all are cis because they can make friends easily
#Trans culture went wrong somewhere dont any of you wish you could be at peace?
If you have to rely on the internet to find friends in the same demographic as you then your whole community is doomed. How is a bright eyed young trans girl supposed to escape the meat grinder of social media.
4/8/23
There’s a correlation between how quickly you find out someone’s sexual orientation and how annoying they are. This is true regardless of
what the orientation actually is.
someone who feels the need to mention it outright, or mention who they're dating, someone who talks about exes, talks about crushes
including celebrities or fictional characters or anything. If some person is really obviously trying to make moves or flirt, if someone mentions being an incel,
if it comes up because of politics. Anything really unprompted or obvious is a sign/example of someone being annoying.
"even if you /want/ to date someone. It’s better not to know something like that right away. It’s gotta be something like, only finding out your friend who you’re already
close to is a fag once you’re 2 hours into trying weed together, that information itself is intimate, it’s not at all the same as dating someone who immediately talks about who they will date."
>But that sort of applies to anything that just fundamentally defines who you are, right?
>yeah that's true
>If I know right away then you’re probably annoying.
A certain amount of social anxiety is what preserves individuality and identity, if you’re not hiding your internal world then you don’t have an internal world. That’s
what makes it actually special to get close to someone and get to glimpse into them. It only works if they’re too complicated and hidden for everyone to easily understand
>yeah
>they're not two dimensional
"Oh I know your deepest political and philosophical opinions right away? Wow you must be really interesting"
(11/6/23) idk if you're going to believe me but i just happened to see this image RIGHT after i wrote this, and i have to add it here
Random entries
11/6/23 I don't like how expectations of gendered personality mostly consist in me acting like i'm not familiar with the outside world or by being playful about anything serious or real-world. have my little entertainment and little treats and have my little chat with friends and my bedroom hobbies and my shopping, and my little experiences, just have funsies and dont think about real world stuff.
I mean maybe more than anything im jealous of the idea someone could actually live that way but it feels at the same time so disparaging to not let myself think about important things. But now, In just the time I've taken to type this i think I've felt myself actually grow to want what i just described, now that i'm aware of the gendering of the personal life verus the outside world i do feel dysphoric about how much i'm trapped out of that small and never serious world of only what's personal to you, and it doesnt even feel demeaning it just feels like it's right for me.
i just remembered this image too;
(12/1 addition) I feel like i'm "fembrained" now? i really dont think this problem bothers me anymore? I feel so myself now
10/17/23 when autistic people who try to use autism as a personality trait of being cute and childish and meet someone whos autistic and ugly or old or masculine and dont think that they are magically likeable, they are subconsciously admitting that autism never gave themselves any intrinsic redeeming qualities and the idea that it's cute and endeering to be autistic is an act that only they and people who look pretty like them can put on while theyre still young to cope with their inability to form a personality because people actually only find their appearance redeeming and nothing else. They might as well not be autistic because they would have been liked for their appearance anyway. But since they cant change having autism, they use something they do actually have, appearance, in order to cope with the fact they could be better, which is something other autistic people couldn't do.
same thing with a lot of people who are gay or trans, it's the same way with lots of things. This is the essential theyfab conflict, except the applicable theyfabs in question often don't even have the good taste to look pretty, and usually they're also autistic and doing the thing i just described. Now that im writing this addition, it makes me think there might be a pipeline for really normie uncool autist and bpd girls who are looking to pull the same stunt of equating their mental problems with cuteness, by adding a new dimension to their need for attention by "experimenting" with gender.
To use the phrase that these people love so much; "normalize" not thinking every trait has redeeming qualities. you are yourself because you are, if you have no motive to be the way you are then all the more certainty that you know your sense of self is true. autism does not need to make you somehow better on an obective scale for someone to find your way of being likeable, the main concern is if that you're lying about who you are then people are liking a version of you that doesnt exist. just accept being worse in order to be loved with all the more certainty, it's not as bad as it sounds.
Is post-industrial society causing straight boys to make out with eachother?
